I liked How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk so much that I read the authors’ prior book.
“Liberated Parents, Liberated Children” was published first, by many years. It tells the story of how the authors and a group of other parents (fictionalized to protect privacy) learned respectful, compassionate communication and boundary skills from Dr. Haim Ginott.
Over 5 years, they and their families were transformed.
The skills (summarized below) are the same in both books. This book highlights each parent’s journey as they struggle to learn how to honor their children’s feelings, and their own feelings as well. They share both immediate successes and frustrating stumbles. Their dedication to finding a better way shines through the pages.
I am grateful to them for persevering, and for publicizing what they learned. I am grateful to Dr. Haim Ginott for creating these skills, and teaching them. I am grateful to all the parents out there dedicated to learning a better way. I wish my parents had had this kind of dedication and support.
From the book’s inside cover:
Find out how the mood in your home can change when you respond:
To crying with: “A scratch can hurt.”
(Instead of “Stop crying. It’s only a scratch.”)
To accidents with: “The milk spilled. We need a sponge.”
(Instead of “Now look what you did!”)
To misbehavior with “Walls are not for writing on. Paper is for writing on.”
(Instead of “Bad boy! No more crayons for you!”)
To messiness with: “It would be really helpful if you would put the juice back in the fridge.”
(Instead of “Why can’t you ever clean up after yourself?”)
To rudeness with “you really hate it when Aunt Harriet pinches your cheek.”
(Instead of “You’re making a big fuss over nothing. Aunt Harriet loves you.”)
To whining with: “It’s really hot for you in here, isn’t it?”
(Instead of “How can you feel hot? It’s cool in here.”)
To carelessness with: “Kids, the door’s open!”
(Instead of “Shut the door! What’s wrong with you?”)
To sibling fighting with “You two are really angry with each other. Why don’t you each write down what happened.”
(Instead of “I don’t care who started it! I just want it ended!”)
Highly recommended to anyone who wants to interact better with outer or inner children.
Available at Powell’s Books.
Recommended by: a friend in Tifton, GA.
Janie Hopwood creates a colorful panorama of characters and events in this historical novel about her grandmother Rena Beck’s boarding house.
When Rena Beck’s husband died, leaving her a house but nothing else, she decided to take in boarders in order to provide for herself and her three unmarried daughters. With courage, perseverance, help from family members, and a lot of hard work, she built a successful business which operated for many years.
I recommend this book for historical details, depth of characterization, laugh-out-loud dialogue, and a sure touch with stories about hard times.
The book is self-published through Indigo Publishing, and this article is all I found online. You’ll need connections in Tifton to get a copy.
Recommended by: Spirituality bookgroup, and several others.
Lynne Twist recounts her fundraising for The Hunger Project non-profit, including anecdotes about her encounters with both desperately poor and despairingly wealthy people.
She also shares her own journey from oblivious, superficial spending to heart-centered use of funds.
She explores the effects of our toxic myths of scarcity (there’s not enough, more is better, that’s just the way it is), and replaces them with sufficiency.
Sufficiency is defined as a declaration that there is enough, and we are enough. “We engage in life from a sense of our own wholeness rather than a desperate longing to be complete.”
In sufficiency, money flows through our lives, rather than being accumulated for its own sake. We use money with integrity to express value, rather than allowing it to determine value. Turning our attention to inner resources allows us to meet challenges of external scarcity. “In the nourishment of our attention, our [internal] assets expand and grow.”
I had never thought of fundraising as offering someone the opportunity to align their actions with their values. This new model changes the power dynamic from giver/receiver to an equal exchange.
It was encouraging to notice that I already follow one of the book’s major recommendations: aligning my spending with my values. I still have the goal of becoming more comfortable with the flow of money in my life.
Available at Powell’s Books.
Recommended by: Tess Alfonsin
A hard-edged book for teens that takes on multiple tough issues:
- Children’s cruelty to each other for being fat or disfigured
- What it’s like to grow up fat or disfigured
- Surviving parental abuse and abandonment
- Abortion
- Hypocrisy
- Religious intolerance by some Christians
While I applaud the author’s courage in addressing all these important issues, I think the book would have been stronger with at least one fewer sub-plot and more attention to characterization. The major teen characters showed some complexity, but the adults were either all-good or all-bad.
I was caught up in the plot and characters until the book suddenly turned into a thriller with a violent climax. I felt tricked into reading something far more violent than I expected or enjoyed.
I’m glad teens are reading and thinking about all the issues in this book. I wish the issues weren’t packaged with a violent, all-good/all-bad wrapper.
Available at Powell’s Books.
Recommended by: a friend who spends a lot of time at the computer.
The book begins, “[M]y head was balancing on a completely loose neck. It actually felt as if it was free of gravity and it was a pleasure to turn my head since my neck felt so supple, my shoulders were light as flufffed feathers, and my breathing was free and deep.”
I would love to feel that way!
The book offers playful exercises and imagery, as well as detailed anatomical drawings to help reach that desired state. The core approach of the Franklin Method is to regain awareness, balance, and relaxation from the inside, rather than impose it externally or forcefully.
One of the exercises: Imagine a tiny balloon at the back of your neck, supporting your skull, and at the same time let your jaw hang down. To me, the feeling of support is palpable, and my shoulders drop away from my ears.
The anatomical information is helpful as well. For example, when a muscle contracts, the long chains of proteins do not curl or bunch up - they slide past each other like the teeth of two intertwined combs. It is much easier for me to envision muscle fibers sliding apart than it is to “relax” or “let go.”
I will continue to use the exercises in my quest for a completely loose neck, and I’ll incorporate the new knowledge into my bodywork practice as well.
Available at Powell’s Books.
I read the occasional parenting book to find out how I should have been treated as a child, and to learn how to treat myself and others better now.
This book advocates treating children as lovable, capable beings deserving of respect. This shouldn’t sound radical, right?
The examples and exercises teach many concrete, immediately applicable skills, including
- Respect their feelings
- Listen receptively
- Jointly look for solutions to recurring issues
- Praise descriptively
- Expect positive results
The lessons are illustrated with both Do and Don’t cartoons of children and parents interacting.
I highly recommend this book to anyone who interacts with children, or who wishes their parents had been more skilled.
Available at Powell’s Books.
Recommended by: childhood memories
After reading Finn Family Moomintroll recently, I was inspired to seek out Moominland Midwinter, which I also vaguely remembered from childhood.
It’s a quick read, and contrasts quite a bit with the earlier book. The mood is bleaker, as befits a northern winter, and the relationships between characters are more superficial and troubled. The kindness is still there, even when they don’t understand each other very well.
I am relieved to report that there are several strong, independent female characters in this book, including brave little My, careening about on skis.
My favorite character is the troll ancestor, who holes up in the porcelain stove and sends the occasional flake of soot down as commentary.
Available at Powell’s Books.
Recommended by: Bob Poole
A highly structured analysis of how to sell with integrity. The sales process is divided into Approach, Interview, Demonstration, Validation, Negotiation, and Close, creatively abbreviated “AID, Inc.”
Selling skillls are broken down into goal clarity, achievement drive, emotional intelligence, and social skills.
Building relationships, listening, and caring are presented as the key to gaining people’s trust and business. Also, entering interactions with positive expectations encourages people to mirror the positive behavior.
Matching people’s behavior styles is also important to gaining their trust. People are divided into four categories:
- Talkers (social)
- Doers (acheivers)
- Supporters (even-tempered)
- Controllers (logical)
This was my main stumbling block in the book, since I didn’t strongly identify with the descriptions of any of the types, and had trouble applying them to other people as well.
The Human Behavior model resonated for me much more. We are divided into
- “I Think” (Intellectual)
- “I Feel” (Emotional)
- “I Am” (Creative/Unconscious)
Integrity comes from welcoming thoughts and actions through “I Think” which are congruent with one’s core “I Am” values, producing positive emotions in “I Feel”.
Prosperity consciousness is also addressed, with the suggestion to set near-term, concrete goals, and focus on the feelings that will come with achieving them.
The book presents a thorough analysis of customer-focused selling, and is full of practical suggestions. I think some of the tips are more applicable to career sales people working with large corporations, but there is still a lot of relevant material for a solo business person.
Available at Powell’s Books.
Recommended by: a client.
Learning about marketing has taught me a great phrase to avoid frustration with a business’s advertising, selection, or service: “not the target market.” I simply assume that I am not an intended customer of that business, and continue on my way.
Similarly, my Jewish background and mix of Buddhist and Pagan beliefs mean I am clearly not the target market of this book written for evangelical Christians. I had to constantly read around the assumptions that the reader is a Christian, that Christians are marginalized in modern society, and that it is a duty to convert others.
I deeply agree with the core message that, no matter what our beliefs about the hereafter, we need to create meaning in our lives and protect our environment in the here and now. I also agree that the best “witnessing” for any faith comes from daily actions, not words.
I enjoyed the colorful vignettes from the author’s travels as an exploratory geologist. I engaged with the discussion of how to live in the modern world in a principled and ethical way.
I had heard and struggled with the idea that 10% of one’s income should be tithed to charity. I like the Biblically-supported modification presented here, that the tithe includes community celebration, money spent to eat, drink, and be merry in the company of everyone who has lived to enjoy the day. My heart opens to the idea of giving back by celebrating in community.
In the end, the book felt like a handful of fragments rather than a coherent whole. I suspect the connections lie in the parts that did not apply to me.
Available at Powell’s Books.
Recommended by: Ursula Le Guin, while reviewing “The True Deceiver”
I stumbled across Finn Family Moomintroll in my elementary school’s library as a child, and didn’t really know what to make of it, but loved the image of the snow falling, and the creatures curling up safely for the winter.
Re-reading it now, I still love the first chapter where everyone is settling in to sleep for the winter. I also noticed and appreciated this unusual beginning which seems like an ending.
“Everyone” includes Moomintroll, a small endearing creature with a round belly and a big nose, his parents Moominmamma and Moominpappa, and a varied assortment of long-term visitors. When spring comes, they have adventures that always turn out well, in part because of their kindness and positive assumptions about everyone they meet.
The complex household personalities and relationships shine throughout the stories, lightly shown in every interaction. Aside from the occasional scuffle over personal agendas, they show each other great care and tolerance for quirkiness, demonstrating the best of communal living.
The book was first published in Finland in 1948, and was translated into English in 1958. For the most part it has aged beautifully, but its treatment of females is archaic. Moominmamma is primarily concerned with feeding everyone and with keeping track of her handbag, which contains “dry socks and sweets and string and tummy-powder and so on.” The only other female character, the Snork Maiden, does not have her own name (she is the Snork’s sister), and her main activities are flirting with Moomintroll, and getting emotional and irrational about her appearance.
On the positive side, the Hemulen is male, but wears a dress, and no one has a problem with that. Interestingly, I clearly remembered the Hemulen as female from reading the book as a child.
Perhaps my memory gave more weight to the author’s detailed pen and ink illustrations than the pronouns. The map of Moomin Valley at the beginning shows tiny objects and events from each chapter’s adventures. The drawings throughout the book complement the multi-sensory descriptions in the text.
I’m looking forward to reading “The True Deceiver,” which is Tove Jansson’s just-published book for adults. I’m hoping that in the intervening years she has changed how she writes about women.
Available at Powell’s Books.
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