psychology

“Thanks for the Feedback” by Douglas Stone & Sheila Heen

October 17, 2022 by Sonia Connolly Leave a Comment

Subtitle: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well (Even When it is Off Base, Unfair, Poorly Delivered, and, Frankly, You’re Not in the Mood.)

This book is surprisingly clear and helpful. It talks about how to listen for and clarify the underlying message, how to sit with whether some or all of the message is useful, and how to discern when the feedback dynamic itself is a problem.

As Kate Heddleston wrote in Criticism and Ineffective Feedback, women and other underrepresented groups in tech jobs get subjected to a lot of unwarranted and biased “feedback” about being too abrasive and not assertive enough, too friendly and not nice enough, too pushy and not contributing enough. Homa Mojtabai covered the can’t-win expectations succinctly in the McSweeney’s article Reasons You Were Not Promoted That Are Totally Unrelated to Gender.

I was expecting this book to pile on even more unmeetable expectations, but it is balanced and thoughtful instead.

There are three kinds of feedback, appreciation (“that’s great!”), coaching (“here’s how to do it better”), and evaluation (“here’s how you measure up”). Pay attention to which kind you’re getting, and which kind you need more or less of.

First seek to understand. Rather than arguing with everything that’s obviously wrong about the feedback, seek to understand better what the speaker means, needs, and wants. When given generic labels, ask for specific examples and requests. Be open and curious, and also share reactions like, “That’s upsetting to hear.” “That’s not how I see myself.”

Feedback can illuminate our blind spots. None of us can see how we look and come across to others. Feedback can give us information about how others see us, which is not necessarily how we are or intend to be, but is still useful information even when heavily mixed with others’ biases.

“Switchtracking” is starting a second conversation about a relationship (“how dare you bring that up when you…”) in the middle of a feedback conversation. Name that there is a second topic, and keep it separate from the first. The feedback might be a cover for a relationship issue too.

Identify the relationship system – take 3 steps back. 1) Look at the intersection between the two people, rather than trying to make one person or the other “the problem.” 2) Look at clashes in roles. Are roles clear and agreed to by both people? 3) Look at the bigger picture – other people, structures, policies, the whole environment. Looking at systems reduces judgment, enhances accountability (how our choices interact with the system), and uncovers root causes.

Wiring and temperament and past trauma affect our responses to feedback. Some people are more resilient in the face of negative feedback, and require less positive feedback.

Boundaries around feedback are crucial. We get to discern and choose what is healthy for us. Three boundaries: “I may not take your advice.” “I don’t want feedback about that subject right now.” “Stop, or I will leave the relationship.” Some signs that boundaries are needed: feedback attacks character, not behavior. It is unrelenting. There is always a new feedback topic. We can turn away feedback with grace and honesty. When appropriate, problem-solve with the other person around the decision not to change (or inability to change).

In response to feedback, add what’s left out, ask what matters to them, take a step back to reframe when needed.

Cultivate a growth mindset, and make choices about when and how to change. Don’t pretend to change, or make a superficial change when the request is about underlying attitudes. In the face of a flurry of feedback, choose one thing to focus on whenever possible.

Recommended!

Available at Powell’s Books.

“Crucial Conversations Third Edition” by Patterson, Grenny, McMillan

September 4, 2022 by Sonia Connolly Leave a Comment

Subtitle: Tools For Talking When Stakes Are High

Recommended to me by: my boss

I read this book back in 2013 and decided to reread it when my boss mentioned it.

In addition to my summary in 2013, I noticed more about questioning inner stories. When we assign roles like Villain, Victim, and Helpless One, we close off avenues to potential solutions. When we can see everyone in a situation as a complex human with a mix of skills, past experiences, and motivations, we can see openings for solutions more clearly.

I wrote about a similar approach in 2018 in Offer a Collaborative Story.

Crucial Conversations has an oversimplified approach to emotions. The claim is that emotions are caused by our stories, and we have to change stories to change or quiet our emotions. While it is true that a negative story can escalate negative emotions, overall our emotions are signals about our inner truth. It is a mark of privilege to expect everyone to be calm in a difficult situation. Telling people they are causing a problem by having the “wrong story” can quickly shade into gaslighting.

The book has an extended example where a woman is silenced and talked over by a man in a business context. The message of the example is that we have to give everyone the benefit of the doubt and ask them for what we need without regard to privilege, sexism, and institutional power. We all exist in a sexist, racist, capitalist system, and people who act out those biases are not inherently evil. At the same time, putting responsibility on a less privileged individual to manage the situation without mentioning the systemic issues in play is oversimplified and imbalanced. The authors could have mentioned that the situation is stacked against the less privileged person, and that if their techniques don’t work, it doesn’t mean she did them wrong or didn’t try hard enough.

The book contains a lot of ableist and judgmental language. “Dumb” and other slurs are used liberally. Some behaviors are ascribed to “the worst at dialogue” (italics theirs) without noticing that they are failing at their own command to be generous and ascribe positive motives.

This is a recently published third edition. While it contains some useful ideas, I cannot recommend it wholeheartedly because of the shortcomings that have not been addressed.

Available at Powell’s Books.

“Being In My Body” by Toni Rahman

January 29, 2022 by Sonia Connolly 1 Comment

Subtitle: What you Might Not Have Known about Trauma, Dissociation and the Brain

Recommended to me by: a client

This book covers a lot of ground, and does it well. Toni Rahman summarizes current research into developmental trauma, CPTSD, dissociation, emotions, attachment, and polyvagal theory, as well as sharing some of her own story and client stories. She applies this material to parenting, inhabiting the body, and healthy adult intimacy.

Some of the many ideas in the book:

We are designed, from birth, to take refuge in the trusting bonds we have with others.
What children need from their caring adults is flexibility and openness balanced with a strong enough sense of self and one’s own limits, with curiosity about who this child is.
Regression is leaving the present moment and reliving the past instead. This can also be called an emotional flashback.
Feeling an emotion is acknowledging it, allowing it to be in the body. Emoting is acting it out: yelling, crying, etc.
Via Karla McLaren, event trauma happens not just from something difficult or overwhelming, but from not being welcomed back into the tribe afterward. A full initiation includes both surviving challenging circumstances, and being received with adequate attention, empathy, and care afterwards.
For an infant or small child, chronic or prolonged parental misattunement without adequate repair represents a traumatic threat to life.
Feeling threatened by a parent who is also a source of care is a problem in itself, compounded by not having support to express or resolve the problem. This is disorganized attachment.
For someone with unhealed disorganized attachment or CPTSD, intimacy is triggering and terrifying rather than soothing and nurturing.
How your body responds to intimacy is an echo of your early experiences.
We can approach our own bodies with care to build secure attachment and intimacy with ourselves.
You will know what you like because just thinking of it will make you feel soft, relaxed, and light, not restricted, guarded, or confused.

There are a couple of distracting textual errors in the book: duplicated client quotes, and at least one misspelling of a place name.

Overall, highly recommended for anyone interested in trauma, inhabiting the body, and healthy intimacy.

Toni Rahman’s website.

Available at Amazon.

“You Don’t Look Adopted” by Anne Heffron

December 26, 2021 by Sonia Connolly 1 Comment

Recommended to me by: an adopted client

Anne Heffron shines a light on the seams that adoption leaves behind, by sharing her story and her thoughts with painful honesty. She was adopted into a “good” (white, middle class, well-intentioned) family and is pressured by her emotionally fragile mother and all of society to act like her adoption was a blip that no longer affected her. But she feels chaotic and terrified inside. When her life has entirely fallen apart, she finally writes the book she always wanted to write.

“In a parallel universe, the universe of my imagination, I was sitting at an entirely different table with entirely different people, eating entirely different food, so it seemed pointless to give myself one hundred percent to my life.”

“I have heard too many stories to think adoption is something that happens at birth or in childhood and then fades into I am part of this family with no repercussions—no emotional issues, no health issues, no fear of future abandonment, no fear of loss.”

“I want to write the book that, if I had read it at seventeen, I wouldn’t have felt so badly about myself, so wrong, so destined for a shaky future.”

The book is written in brief sections with all-caps headers. Distractingly, the headers are sometimes at the bottom of one page and the section continues on the next page. She says the book is written in fragments to express her sense of being fragmented inside.

Highly recommended to anyone who is involved with adoption (adoptee, birth family, adopted family) or wants to understand adoption better.

Anne Heffron’s website.

Available at Amazon.

“Set Boundaries, Find Peace” by Nedra Glover Tawwab

November 22, 2021 by Sonia Connolly Leave a Comment

Subtitle: a guide to reclaiming yourself

Recommended to me by: Renay at Lady Business

Nedra Glover Tawwab is a therapist and an Instagram influencer. Her book is a solid introduction to boundaries and how to use them in a variety of contexts. She defines boundaries as “expectations and needs that help you feel safe and comfortable in your relationships.”

Among many heterosexual examples, her vignettes include two lesbian couples, where one of the couples breaks up. Gender roles are reasonably varied. Race wasn’t signaled in the examples. The author is Black.

She briefly addresses microaggressions as boundary violations. The suggested solutions are to assertively call out the problem, for example, “I notice that you said, ‘I don’t sound Black.’ What does that mean?” And/or suggest more appropriate behavior, for example, a woman CEO who is called “bossy” could say that she is simply assertive and willing to lead.

Boundaries are great! Assertiveness is great! Implying that they can solve discrimination, and saying outright that we need to teach others how to treat us, is less great. I agree that it’s worth explicitly asking for what one needs before giving up on a relationship. At the same time, Ask vs. Guess culture is not discussed, where Guess culture imposes a social penalty for explicitly expressing boundaries and needs.

There is an extended example where one person in a relationship blames the other for “poor communication” where the actual problem is that the blamer is using manipulation and guilt-tripping. Again the solution is to call it out as guilt-tripping. Gaslighting, abuse, and inappropriate blame are mentioned, with the same appearance of neat solutions.

This book explicitly puts the responsibility for policing boundaries on the boundary-setter. As someone who bought into “Boundaries will fix everything!” many years ago and worked very hard at them, it’s painful to find that assumption woven through the book. While it is important to take action where we can, it is also important to take a step back when it doesn’t work, rather than endlessly trying harder. That balancing act is not as straightforward as this book makes it seem.

This is a clear, detailed, encouraging manual for learning about boundaries. Recommended if the idea of assertive boundaries is new to you. They can definitely improve difficult situations and clear up problems with over-commitment and hidden assumptions.

There is a forthcoming Set Boundaries Workbook.

Nedra Glover Tawwab’s website

Available at Powell’s Books.

“disarming the narcissist” by Wendy T. Behary, LCSW

October 28, 2021 by Sonia Connolly 1 Comment

Subtitle: Surviving & Thriving with the Self-Absorbed

Wendy Behary specializes in psychotherapy for narcissists and their struggling family members. She can be firm and kind while not being overwhelmed by negative behaviors.

She suggests using “we” language (“Our common goals are…”), offering the benefit of the doubt (“I know you didn’t mean to be hurtful”), and still giving honest feedback (“and it’s hurtful when you interrupt and criticize me.”) If you want the narcissist to agree to something in a negotiation, preemptively give them credit for the idea.

She suggests: Plant seeds of more kind and considerate behavior by calmly mentioning what you expect many times and hoping it pays off years in the future. Offer a good example by being kind and considerate yourself. In my experience, narcissists aren’t paying attention, so the ongoing good example goes unnoticed or is taken for granted.

For the terrible self-doubt that narcissists’ oblivious certainty awakens, she suggests understanding your “schemas,” patterns and expectations from childhood. It gives a framework to recognize triggers, separate past from present, and offer gentle care for the hurt child within. She recommends understanding the schemas of the narcissist as well.

Wendy Behary collaborates with Jeffrey Young, who created Schema Therapy. His 18 schemas are:

Abandonment/instability
Mistrust/abuse
Emotional deprivation – lack of nurturance, empathy, protection
Defectiveness/shame
Social isolation/alienation
Dependence/incompetence
Vulnerability to harm or illness
Enmeshment/undeveloped self
Failure
Entitlement/grandiosity
Insufficient self-control/self-discipline
Subjugation of needs, emotions
Self-sacrifice
Approval-seeking/recognition-seeking
Negativity/pessimism
Emotional inhibition
Unrelenting standards/hypercriticalness – perfectionism, rules and shoulds, preoccupation with time and efficiency
Punitiveness

“Heal your childhood schemas. Don’t get triggered by the narcissist. Be sturdy and calm.” Sure, sounds great. Takes a little more than reading one book.

She often mentions seeing a therapist, but does not mention getting bodywork. There is a half-page section titled Somatic Experiencing that mentions body work and describes one Somatic Experiencing technique, without mentioning Peter Levine who originated that work.

She offers a mindfulness technique I liked: Feel your abdomen expand as you breathe in. On the next breath, feel your lungs expand. On the next breath feel the cool incoming air and warm outgoing air at your nostrils. Repeat. She adds paying attention to each of your senses as well.

She states several times during the book that if you are in danger, don’t try to reform the narcissist. Make a safety plan and work on getting out. The book is written for those who have decided to stay, at least for the moment, or are in the process of getting a divorce or co-parenting afterward.

She discusses hypersexual and perilous narcissists. The connection between what is usually called malignant narcissism and sexual acting out makes sense. However, the negative stereotypes about sex workers made this section hard to get through.

This is a thorough, knowledgeable book about how to live or work with a mild to moderate narcissist as an adult. It does not really address people who were raised by narcissists and can be emotionally difficult to read. Recommended if you need more tools to handle narcissists, and have already done enough healing to tolerate the slightly breezy tone about the healing process.

Available at Powell’s Books.