Curious, Healing

Books about healing, business, and fun

“The Mood Cure” by Julia Ross

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Julia Ross theorizes that deficiencies in certain amino acids cause emotional symptoms, and taking supplements, as well as generally eating more protein, can quickly and completely resolve most mood problems.

The book is clearly and carefully written, with a lot of “if you experience this, try that” advice. It starts with a Mood-Type questionnaire, and continues with a chapter on each type and what helps.

  1. Under a dark cloud: low in antidepressant serotonin
      main solution: 5-HTP in the afternoon and evening

  2. Suffering from the blahs: low in stimulating catecholemines or thyroid
      main solution: L-tyrosine between meals

  3. Overwhelmed by stress: Low in tranquilizing GABA
      main solution: GABA when stressed

  4. Too sensitive to life’s pain: low in pain-killing endorphins
      main solution: DLPA, D- and L-phenylalanine

Julia Ross recommends a hearty serving of protein for each meal: 3 eggs, or 3-4 ounces of meat, or 1.5 cups of beans. Plus plenty of fats and vegetables. She says several times that weight-loss diets do damage, and has a section headed, “Eat Enough.” There is a section of Good-Mood menus and recipes.

There is far more information in this book than I can even summarize here. It seems worth reading it and trying some of the recommended supplements, although I doubt the results are as consistent and dramatic as claimed.

Available at bookshop.org.

“Taking the War Out of Our Words” by Sharon Ellison

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Subtitle: The Art of Powerful Non-Defensive Communication

A decade ago, this book, and a one-day workshop on Powerful Non-Defensive Communication (PNDC), helped me get out of an abusive relationship. My copy disappeared, probably on loan to someone, and I just replaced it. This is an edited review I wrote for Survivorship back then.

This communication technique focuses on good boundaries, emphasizing that we can only control our own words and actions, not anyone else’s. On each re-reading, I notice different helpful details. The book is carefully and clearly organized, with section headings for each new idea, lots of example stories, and a review of key points at the end of each chapter.

Part I describes the “War Model,” Sharon Ellison’s name for the combative communication style we learn to call “normal” in our culture. Defensiveness is a natural outgrowth of war-like communication. Six defensive modes are described – the three main strategies of surrender, flight, and fight, with passive and active sub-strategies for each. The passive modes seek to protect oneself, while the active modes seek to damage the other person. The six modes are

  • Surrender-Betray (passive)
  • Surrender-Sabotage (active)
  • Withdraw-Escape (passive)
  • Withdraw-Entrap (active)
  • Counterattack-Justify (passive)
  • Counterattack-Blame (active).

Part II describes the three primary conversational tools of Powerful Non-Defensive Communication (PNDC): curious and innocent Questions, open and direct Statements, and protective and firm Predictions. Each tool is described in detail, with many suggested formats and examples.

Questions
Non-defensive questions are used to clarify assumptions, and to learn information about the other person’s position. They also ask the other person to stop and think. Sometimes a single neutral, gentle, curious question can shift years of negative interactions.

One example tells about a couple where the man repeatedly accused the woman of being late, even though she was generally ready on time and met her commitments. They had fought about this for years. One day, the woman asked, “Is it my pacing that leads you to think I’ll be late?” The man stopped, blinked, and said, “You know, you are usually on time.” She tended to get ready at the last minute, while he tended to prepare in advance, and this was the first time the man had noticed that she did regularly succeed in pulling it all together.

Statements
Non-defensive statements are vulnerable, direct, subjective, and descriptive. They include all relevant elements of one’s own experience, even when some of the elements are contradictory.

One example tells of a divorced woman who no longer wished to invite her ex-husband to Thanksgiving dinner, but continued to do so because he had a tendency to withhold her alimony check whenever there was a conflict. One year, she chose to state to him that she did not want to invite him, and that she had continued to invite him through fear of the consequences, and that she did not want her alimony check to be delayed. Much to her surprise, he did not show up for dinner, and the next alimony check was on time.

Predictions
Non-defensive predictions are protective, foretelling, neutral, definitive and double-sided. The intent is to communicate the consequences of both sides of a choice, rather than to coerce one side or the other. Two types of predictions are described in detail: Limit-Setting Predictions, which identify one’s own responses based on the other person’s choices, and Challenge-Choice predictions, which identify outside consequences to the other person’s choices.

An example of a limit-setting prediction is “If you are not ready when it is time to leave for the play, I will drive my own car, and you can join me later. If you are ready on time, we can drive together and enjoy each other’s company.”

An example of a challenge-choice prediction comes from the owner of a printing company, who found that customers often argued with him about color choices, and then blamed him when the results were poor. He started making the prediction, “If you use too many colors, then, based on my experience, this logo will be less crisp and you will not be satisfied with the outcome. If you use fewer colors, it will be more crisp, and I think you will be pleased.”

The section on predictions includes a detailed discussion about how to devise and implement predictions, including strategies for handling negative reactions from people unaccustomed to encountering clear boundaries.

Highly recommended if you want new tools to communicate well.

Available at bookshop.org.

“Making a World of Difference: Personal Leadership” by Barbara Schaetti, Sheila Ramsey, Gordon Watanabe

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Subtitle: A Methodology of Two Principles and Six Practices

Recommended to me by: a client

The goal of Personal Leadership is to improve intercultural relations in business and personal settings.

The two principles are mindfulness and creativity.

The six practices are:

  • attending to judgment
  • attending to emotion
  • attending to physical sensation
  • cultivating stillness
  • engaging ambiguity
  • aligning with vision

In a difficult situation, when we notice that “Something’s up!” a “Critical Moment Dialogue” can help apply the six practices and reach greater clarity about what action to take, if any. The goal is to respond mindfully and creatively to the unique situation rather than continuing on automatic pilot.

On one hand, a lot of what the authors describe aligns with what I practice and aspire to. On the other hand, the book leaves me feeling defensive. Even as it addresses complex multicultural situations, the assertion that we always create our (internal) reality seems too simplistic to me. The proposed techniques look powerfully effective, and at the same time they would be powerful fuel for an Inner Critic at the first hint of failure.

I have witnessed an abuser use similar principles to maintain control over a victim. “You create your reality, so if you’re upset, it’s just your stuff [rather than a valid response to abuse].” A book like this feels incomplete when the downsides of the proposed techniques are not addressed.

Available at bookshop.org.

“Courageous Conversations About Race” by Glenn E. Singleton and Curtis Linton

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Subtitle: A Field Guide for Achieving Equity in Schools

Recommended to me by: Donna Maxey, at Race Talks.

A carefully crafted, practical how-to manual for school systems to dismantle racism and equitably teach all children well. Co-written by Glenn Singleton, a Black man from Baltimore, and Curtis Linton, a White man from Salt Lake City, this book includes their personal experiences with race and racism as well as materials to implement their program and some historical information on U.S. racism.

Slowly, carefully, clearly, the topic of race and how to talk about it safely is introduced. Each point is supported with studies and stories. Terms are defined and repeated to foster understanding.

Four Agreements:

  1. stay engaged.
  2. speak your truth.
  3. experience discomfort.
  4. expect and accept non-closure.

Six Conditions of Courageous Conversation

  1. Establish a racial context that is personal, local and immediate – speak from your own experience.
  2. Isolate race while acknowledging other factors – don’t avoid the topic of race.
  3. Listen to others’ experiences of race. Expect disagreement in viewpoints.
  4. Notice White Talk vs. Color Commentary. Notice perspective of all participants: intellectual, emotional, moral, or social.
  5. Establish agreement on a contemporary working definition of race.
  6. Examine the presence and role of Whiteness and its impact on the conversation and problem being addressed.

The book advocates passion, practice, and persistence to address the racial achievement gap. It calls on teachers and administrators to take personal responsibility for learning the skills required to reach each student and help them all succeed.

I would love to see this book used in all school systems. The awareness and communication it fosters are healing for the adults involved in the process as well as for the children in their care.

Available at biblio.com.

“Imperfect Harmony” by Stacy Horn

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Subtitle: Finding Happiness Singing with Others

This book answered exactly the question I had.  What is it about singing that is so compelling for me?  Do other people have the same experience?

Stacy Horn expertly blends personal experience, choir history, music history, and contemporary events into a compelling narrative about her membership in the all-volunteer Choral Society of Grace Church in New York. Each chapter focuses on a musical piece, which I thought would be dull, but she brings carefully researched music history to sparkling life, woven together with the other themes.

She forthrightly acknowledges sexism in choir membership and racism in the Chatham Street Chapel Riot, where a white choir chased out a Black assembly to celebrate Emancipation Day – and then four Black men were arrested. She doesn’t point out that all the composers she highlights are men (except Britlin Losee), and the choir leadership is all men, but she does include women’s voices talking about what singing means to them. Despite being affiliated with Grace Church and performing religious music for Christmas concerts, the choir members have a mix of religions and beliefs.

Singing brings connection. When we sing the same sounds, our brains are in sync. When people sing different parts near each other, their voices mingle in the air and reach warmly back to the singers. Interviewed singers repeatedly speak of choir membership as a balm for loneliness and a source of community. Singing enlivens the body and spirit with joy even with sorrowful songs

Highly recommended if you sing, or if you just want to learn a little more about singing, or music history, or the Grace Church Choral Society.

Book excerpt: Science says singing makes us happier

Book excerpt: What singing in a choir teaches us about teamwork

Youtube videos of all the musical pieces in the book

Available at bookshop.org.

“Blindspot” by Mahzarin Banaji and Anthony Greenwald

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Subtitle: Hidden Biases of Good People

Recommended to me by: Patricia Nan Anderson

In clear, accessible language, this book debunks the notion that good people are free of biases. Starting with optical illusions and moving on to creating categories, the authors show that our brains automatically make assumptions about what we perceive based on past input.

We have hidden biases, also called mindbugs, that function like the blind spot in our retinas. We don’t perceive that we are not perceiving accurately.

Implicit associations can reveal some of our biases. You may be surprised, disappointed, or relieved by your results.

The first one, insects and flowers, usually demonstrates a powerful negative association with insects and positive association with flowers. Try the Insects and Flowers Implicit Association Test. I was surprised how much more difficult it was to sort the flowers with the negative words.

I was pleased to get a neutral result for the Race Implicit Association Test but much less happy to see a moderate association between Black people and weapons in the Race and Weapons Implicit Association Test.

I wasn’t happy with my result for the Gender and Career Implicit Association Test either. Relatedly, a 1% difference in the rate of promoting women and men can explain the steep attrition rates of women in technical fields.

More Implicit Association Tests.

Present-day discrimination often takes the form of not helping, rather than actively harming. A woman’s hand was badly cut up in an accident. In the ER, her husband said, “You have to help her, she’s an avid quilter!” The doctor was talking about “quickly stitching her up” until someone greeted her as a Yale professor, whereupon she was whisked off to receive complex hand surgery from an expert in the field. It’s hard to call people out on not helping enough.

There is some discussion of how to circumvent mindbugs and blindspots. Awareness helps. So does exposure to images and ideas that contradict the mindbugs. I think the long-term fix is to change the media, literary, and educational portrayals that continually reinforce discriminatory biases. Without explicitly saying so, the book makes a strong case for affirmative action.

In the appendices, the authors show careful scientific evidence for the effect of present-day racial discrimination, despite the fact that it is less accepted to be overtly prejudiced.

Highly recommended for anyone interested in a readable, in-depth look at social justice and how your brain works.

Available at bookshop.org.