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Curious, Healing

Curious, Healing

Books about healing, business, and fun

  • About Sonia Connolly

“Six Reasons to Travel” by Stuart Gelzer

January 22, 2023 by Sonia Connolly Leave a Comment

Book cover

Subtitle: an American Singer in Georgia

Recommended to me by: Jen Morris

As an enthusiastic fan of Georgian singing in general and Trio Kavkasia in particular, I was eager to read about the trio’s adventures in the Republic of Georgia as shared by one of its members. These three American men spent time in Georgia both studying the language in the capital city, Tbilisi, and touring the countryside to learn songs from master singers.

The book is well-written and full of engaging details about places and people. At the same time, it took me a long time to finish reading. It is a set of semi-independent essays, and some of the essays have more drinking and violence in them than I’m comfortable reading about. It is a book very much centered on men, with women relegated to the background or referred to disparagingly, like the “kerchiefed biddy” mopping a church. While women do sing in Georgia, there is a whole tradition of men sitting around the table drinking, singing, and eating, while women serve food they spent days preparing.

Toward the end of the book the focus returns to the theory and practice of learning Georgian songs. Stuart Gelzer looks back on a religious ritual he participated in without learning about it beforehand and says, “I actually like to stay a little lost, a little confused. […] I like the flow of apparent chaos, the hilarious unpredictability, the feeling of being a perpetual outsider, the challenge of being clueless.” This cheerful attitude born of luck and privilege gives him access to wonderful musical adventures and a deep knowledge of Georgian singing.

The whole time I wondered when the six reasons to travel would be explained. Looking at the beginning of the book again to write this review, I noticed a poem before the table of contents.

to leave one’s troubles behind one
to earn a living
to acquire learning
to practice good manners
to meet honorable men
for the pleasantness of being liked for oneself
— Freya Stark, A Winter in Arabia

Recommended for anyone interested in the nitty-gritty of traveling and learning songs in Georgia.

Available at Bertie Stanhope Press.

Filed Under: nonfiction Tagged With: fun, memoir, singing

“Unmasking Autism” by Devon Price, PhD

January 10, 2023 by Sonia Connolly Leave a Comment

book cover

Recommended to me by: Sam Livingston-Gray

Devon Price, PhD, is a social psychologist, professor, author, trans person, and proud Autistic person.

The book starts out stiff and academic and a little defensive, citing a lot of facts and figures about being autistic. Gradually it warms up as it describes different people’s experiences with unmasking. The last chapter is a joyful exploration of how we can move toward an inclusive and accessible world for all neurodiverse people, including queer and trans folks and people of color. The book itself is a demonstration of unmasking.

Autism is a developmental disability that runs in families and appears to be largely genetically determined. Autistic brains have more interconnections in some areas than allistic (non-autistic) brains, and fewer in others. Autistic people tend to focus on small details rather than the big picture. Rather than adapting to ongoing stimuli (like an annoying sound), autistic brains find it more and more annoying.

Devon Price discusses other diagnoses that overlap with autism, such as ADHD, PTSD, and being “highly sensitive.” Autism is a cognitive and sensory difference that affects every area of life. People can have sub-clinical autism, not severe enough to be diagnosed, but still benefiting from unmasking and accommodations. Self-diagnosis is an option when formal diagnosis is financially or logistically out of reach.

Formal diagnosis of autism is slanted toward the characteristics of well-to-do white boys, because that was the population under study when the diagnostic criteria were developed. Autistic girls learn more social and masking skills because of the ways girls are given less leeway to be disruptive than boys. Black and brown autistic people have even less leeway and are likely to be seen as criminal rather than disabled at a very young age.

The distinction between “high functioning” and “low functioning” autism is called out as an artifact of Hans Aspergers’ eugenicist and fascist beliefs.

Substance use can be self-medication for sensory overwhelm and despair, and an attempt to facilitate social interactions. When there is less need for masking, there is less need for substance overuse.

The book includes exercises to discover disowned behaviors and the masks that compensate for them. Once autism is fully acknowledged, it becomes possible to choose activities and accommodations that fit better.

Recommended to learn more about autism and the ways autistic people struggle to meet neurotypical expectations. Also recommended for the encouragement to listen to our own needs and build a life that works for us. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if societal resources were put toward making everyone successful by offering the support and accommodations each person needs.

Available at Amazon.

Filed Under: nonfiction Tagged With: disability, memoir, neurodiversity

“Ask for Horses” by Tina Tau

December 24, 2022 by Sonia Connolly Leave a Comment

book cover

Subtitle: Memoir of a Dream-Guided Life

Recommended to me by: The author is a friend

This book is both honest and kind. It looks directly at hard times and painful emotions, and maintains enough buoyancy and narrative flow to carry the reader forward without getting mired in pain. It holds the tension between personal autonomy and spiritual direction inclusively, without needing to choose one or the other. It looks tenderly at mistakes and stuck places, holding compassion for younger selves that were doing the best they could.

The included dreams are brief, powerful, mysterious. They are interpreted with gentle curiosity, an eye toward word play, and a willingness to explore new paths. “Dreams tell you something you don’t already know.” There are no fixed interpretations of dream symbols, and the dreamer is always in charge. Other people helping with a dream say, “If this were my dream,” offering rather than imposing interpretations.

The book pulled me through it, and I felt accompanied in some of my own life struggles. Recommended!

Available at Kelson Books and Amazon.

Filed Under: nonfiction Tagged With: healing, memoir, relationship, spirituality

“Refactoring” by Martin Fowler

December 10, 2022 by Sonia Connolly Leave a Comment

book cover

Recommended to me by: Sam Livingston-Gray

Refactoring is the art of improving software through a series of small steps without changing how it functions, specifically without introducing new bugs. In an attempt to make it closer to a science, Martin Fowler defines a series of recipes to make safe changes, a series of “code smells” that indicate that change is needed, and adds examples and stories along the way.

I bought the book through my job because I was responsible for a whole menagerie of semi-abandoned applications in varying states of disarray, and I wanted ideas and support for how to improve them. The main benefit I got directly from the book is the idea to take very small steps, and to keep checking whether the application still works correctly at each step.

Indirectly, I got a lot of other benefits. I started a weekly study group where we went over 5 pages or so of the book each time, sharing things we agreed and disagreed with and examples from the code we were working on. In theory people were reading ahead, but everyone is busy and I made it welcoming whether people had read the week’s section or not.

It was hands-down the best part of my job, connecting with coworkers outside of my small group, learning together, and hearing how people were improving their code using the techniques we discussed.

The book’s examples are in Javascript, which made them harder to read for those of us working in Python and Ruby. Those of us who had been programming for years had an easier time with the book than the people who were just starting out. In particular, one person pointed out that it was difficult to tell the difference between unfamiliar programmer lingo and “funny” asides about methods gathering at the water cooler to share gossip.

Recommended for more experienced programmers who want a deeper understanding of refactoring. Read it with a group if you can!

Available at Powell’s Books.

Filed Under: nonfiction Tagged With: software

“Flying Solo” by Linda Holmes

October 22, 2022 by Sonia Connolly Leave a Comment

book cover

Recommended to me by: lightreads

Lovely atmospheric book set in a coastal Maine town with a main character who is a single woman and likes it that way. Mostly cozy and fun, although there was one scene with intense gaslighting where I had to skip a couple of pages to continue reading.

Now that I think back on it, I didn’t notice any LGBT characters at all. The great-aunt should have turned out to be a lesbian the whole time! There was a Black woman minor character who said from off-stage, “You know I don’t go places where my presence increases the Black population by over 10%.”

So, a light, fun read if you’re white and straight, or don’t mind reading a book about white, straight people. I read it as an ebook from the library, and it was well-suited for that.

Available at Powell’s Books.

Filed Under: fiction Tagged With: feminism, fun

“Thanks for the Feedback” by Douglas Stone & Sheila Heen

October 17, 2022 by Sonia Connolly Leave a Comment

book cover

Subtitle: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well (Even When it is Off Base, Unfair, Poorly Delivered, and, Frankly, You’re Not in the Mood.)

This book is surprisingly clear and helpful. It talks about how to listen for and clarify the underlying message, how to sit with whether some or all of the message is useful, and how to discern when the feedback dynamic itself is a problem.

As Kate Heddleston wrote in Criticism and Ineffective Feedback, women and other underrepresented groups in tech jobs get subjected to a lot of unwarranted and biased “feedback” about being too abrasive and not assertive enough, too friendly and not nice enough, too pushy and not contributing enough. Homa Mojtabai covered the can’t-win expectations succinctly in the McSweeney’s article Reasons You Were Not Promoted That Are Totally Unrelated to Gender.

I was expecting this book to pile on even more unmeetable expectations, but it is balanced and thoughtful instead.

There are three kinds of feedback, appreciation (“that’s great!”), coaching (“here’s how to do it better”), and evaluation (“here’s how you measure up”). Pay attention to which kind you’re getting, and which kind you need more or less of.

First seek to understand. Rather than arguing with everything that’s obviously wrong about the feedback, seek to understand better what the speaker means, needs, and wants. When given generic labels, ask for specific examples and requests. Be open and curious, and also share reactions like, “That’s upsetting to hear.” “That’s not how I see myself.”

Feedback can illuminate our blind spots. None of us can see how we look and come across to others. Feedback can give us information about how others see us, which is not necessarily how we are or intend to be, but is still useful information even when heavily mixed with others’ biases.

“Switchtracking” is starting a second conversation about a relationship (“how dare you bring that up when you…”) in the middle of a feedback conversation. Name that there is a second topic, and keep it separate from the first. The feedback might be a cover for a relationship issue too.

Identify the relationship system – take 3 steps back. 1) Look at the intersection between the two people, rather than trying to make one person or the other “the problem.” 2) Look at clashes in roles. Are roles clear and agreed to by both people? 3) Look at the bigger picture – other people, structures, policies, the whole environment. Looking at systems reduces judgment, enhances accountability (how our choices interact with the system), and uncovers root causes.

Wiring and temperament and past trauma affect our responses to feedback. Some people are more resilient in the face of negative feedback, and require less positive feedback.

Boundaries around feedback are crucial. We get to discern and choose what is healthy for us. Three boundaries: “I may not take your advice.” “I don’t want feedback about that subject right now.” “Stop, or I will leave the relationship.” Some signs that boundaries are needed: feedback attacks character, not behavior. It is unrelenting. There is always a new feedback topic. We can turn away feedback with grace and honesty. When appropriate, problem-solve with the other person around the decision not to change (or inability to change).

In response to feedback, add what’s left out, ask what matters to them, take a step back to reframe when needed.

Cultivate a growth mindset, and make choices about when and how to change. Don’t pretend to change, or make a superficial change when the request is about underlying attitudes. In the face of a flurry of feedback, choose one thing to focus on whenever possible.

Recommended!

Available at Powell’s Books.

Filed Under: nonfiction Tagged With: business, communication, psychology

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Recent Books

  • “Six Reasons to Travel” by Stuart Gelzer
  • “Unmasking Autism” by Devon Price, PhD
  • “Ask for Horses” by Tina Tau
  • “Refactoring” by Martin Fowler
  • “Flying Solo” by Linda Holmes
  • “Thanks for the Feedback” by Douglas Stone & Sheila Heen
  • “Tales From Moominvalley” by Tove Jansson
  • “Crucial Conversations Third Edition” by Patterson, Grenny, McMillan
  • “The Changeling Sea” by Patricia McKillip
  • “The Manager’s Path” by Camille Fournier

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