Curious, Healing

Books about healing, business, and fun

psychology

“How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk” by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish

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I read the occasional parenting book to find out how I should have been treated as a child, and to learn how to treat myself and others better now.

This book advocates treating children as lovable, capable beings deserving of respect. This shouldn’t sound radical, right?

The examples and exercises teach many concrete, immediately applicable skills, including

  • Respect their feelings
  • Listen receptively
  • Jointly look for solutions to recurring issues
  • Praise descriptively
  • Expect positive results

The lessons are illustrated with both Do and Don’t cartoons of children and parents interacting.

I highly recommend this book to anyone who interacts with children, or who wishes their parents had been more skilled.

Available at bookshop.org.

“Ask and It Is Given: Learning to Manifest Your Desires” by Esther and Jerry Hicks

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Recommended to me by: Emma McCreary, and Jeannette Maw

This is the original source for the term “Law of Attraction”, as described by “Abraham” (a collective of Non-Physical Beings) and conveyed through Esther Hicks.

The Law of Attraction is defined as:

  1. Ask (we are doing this all the time with our desires)
  2. Source answers immediately
  3. Allow the response (by matching its vibration – this is the hard part)

According to the book, humans are here to experience contrasts that illuminate our preferences, which lead to desires, which lead to manifestation. We are meant to exist in a state of joyous trust and expectation, which allows our desires to manifest.

If desires are not manifesting, it is because either our vibrations/emotions are not allowing them, or because our attention/requests are focusing on what we don’t want. It is easy to interpret this as victim-blaming, although the book tries to avoid that.

At the same time, it is clearly stated that we are here to experience contrasts, so there is nothing wrong with negative experiences.

It is also emphasized that our emotions are signposts for our thoughts and beliefs, so there is nothing to be gained by denying our emotions, and everything to be gained by noticing them. A list of 22 emotions is arranged from highest vibration (joy) to lowest (despair).

Thoughts are said to attract similar thoughts, so improving vibration is a gradual, incremental process.

The second half of the book contains exercises or games to improve our vibration. To my surprise, several of them are already an important part of my life.

  • Express appreciation and gratitude.
  • Notice how you feel, and look for thoughts that feel true and also make you feel slightly better. Repeat.
  • Meditate.
  • Clear clutter, gently and incrementally.
  • Notice the essence and feeling of what’s desired, and look for ways you already have that, or can easily bring it in.

One I plan to add to my toolbox:

  • At each transition in your day, pause and set an intention for the next segment.

I am less engaged by the games that involve pretending, or ignoring what is happening right now.

Before reading Jeannette Maw’s Good Vibe Blog, I was very skeptical about the Law of Attraction, in part because I had heard about it filtered through many layers of interpretation. I’m glad I encountered her non-judgmental take on it, and that Emma McCreary suggested reading the original source.

I still balk at the idea that reality is entirely malleable. I feel very uneasy and ungrounded with that thought, so I will continue to believe that there are essential truths underlying our experiences.

At the same time, I also believe that it is beneficial to notice our internal environment, and seek out thoughts and experiences that feel better. I see a lot of wisdom and power for healing in this book.

I am sitting with the question of whether our desires are all trustworthy. Is there truly enough abundance to accommodate everyone’s desires? What about environmental limitations, and desires which cause harm to others?

I recommend the book if you want clarity on what the Law of Attraction really is, and if you like reading new ideas and keeping the parts that work for you.

Available at bookshop.org.

“Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers” by Karyl McBride

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A mix of personal memoir, client stories, and self-help advice, this book compassionately details the effects of having a narcissistic mother and shows a pathway for healing.

Narcissism – extreme self-absorbtion and inability to empathize with others – occurs on a spectrum from a few narcissistic traits to full-blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Women with these traits compete with, control, or ignore their children rather than providing unconditional mirroring and acceptance.

Their children grow up questioning their very right to existence, either piling up achievements to become “good enough”, or hiding from their pain in drugs, alcohol, and acting out.

“A daughter who doesn’t receive validation from her earliest relationship with her mother learns that she has no significance in the world and her efforts have no effect. She tries her hardest to make a genuine connection with Mom, but fails, and thinks that the problem of rarely being able to please her mother lies within herself. This teaches the daugther that she is unworthy of love.”

McBride gives three steps for recovery:

  1. Understanding and diagnosing the problem
  2. Processing the grief and other feelings from childhood
  3. Discovering true preferences, values, and ways of being.

I recommend this calm, thorough, and encouraging book to anyone who finds herself struggling to prove that she is good enough to be seen, honored, and valued.

Available at bookshop.org.

“Comfort Secrets for Busy Women” by Jennifer Louden

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Recommended to me by: Emma McCreary

When I saw its pink cover and tie-in title with Jennifer Louden’s earlier book “The Women’s Comfort Book”, I expected to be bored by shallow platitudes.

Instead, I engaged deeply with Louden’s ongoing process, vignettes from other women’s stories, gentle questions rather than strident answers, and a focus on creating an authentic life with profound, courageous self-acceptance.

Most of all, the book reminded me to notice how far I’ve come in consciously creating my life, and validated the crooked path I’ve taken in listening to myself and sitting with not-knowing.

Plus, the book mentions my Reiki teacher Priscilla Stuckey and prompted me to reconnect with her on Twitter.

Available at biblio.com.

“The Wise Heart – A Guide to the Universal Teachings of Buddhist Psychology” by Jack Kornfield

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Jack Kornfield, an experienced American meditation teacher, combines Buddhist philosophy, meditation exercises, and stories about his students and himself into a thorough introduction to Buddhist psychology.

The Buddhist therapeutic techniques for resolving trauma are strikingly similar to Somatic Experiencing techniques. One comes from self-observation, and one comes from observation of other animals. Perhaps it’s unsurprising that they have converged on a similar set of gentle, effective techniques.

I had a lot of reactions while reading the 400 pages of this book. Interest in people’s experiences with meditation and transformation. Boredom with the more esoteric details about Buddhism. Self-judgment about my own meditation experiences. Longing for the support of a meditative community. Relief when reading about self-acceptance.

One section describes the three personality types that cause suffering: grasping, aversive, and deluded. We all have elements of these types, and may lean strongly toward one of them. Fortunately, awareness and acceptance can mitigate the suffering they cause, and even bring positive benefits.

I felt defensive about recognizing the aversive type in myself. Yeah, okay, so I have a strong judgmental voice. At the same time, it’s a relief to realize that lots of people struggle with this. It’s normal, acceptable. The positive side of aversion is discernment.

I recommend this book if you’re interested in a warm, accessible, occasionally dry introduction to Buddhist thought. It can be fascinating to observe your reactions as you read!

Available at bookshop.org.

“What Should I Do with My Life?” by Po Bronson

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Po Bronson sought out hundreds of people’s true stories about answering the question, “What should I do with my life?” He tells 55 of these stories in detail, loosely organized by the issues they were confronting.

I was drawn in by each person’s richly described story, as well as by the underlying story of Po Bronson’s own journey. Rather than providing answers, the book provides a glimpse of how each person approached the question and the process.

From the conclusion:

“Now I know passion is rooted in deeply-felt experiences […] Now I think the choice is in whether to be honest, to ourselves and others, and the rest is more of an uncovering, a peeling away of layers, discovering talents we assumed we didn’t have.”

An enjoyable read, recommended to anyone who is interested in authenticity, transformation, and living well.

Sample chapters at Po Bronson’s website.

Available at bookshop.org.