Curious, Healing

Books about healing, business, and fun

nonfiction

“Why Are All the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria” by Beverly Daniel Tatum, Ph.D.

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Subtitle: And Other Conversations About Race

Recommended to me by: Kate Nepveu’s article How to Discuss Race and Racism Without Acting Like a Complete Jerk

Dr. Tatum, a research psychologist and current President of Spellman College, answers the title question compassionately and thoroughly, creating a framework to think and talk constructively about race. She alternates between explanations of academic psychology in clear layperson’s language, engaging personal anecdotes, and stories from her research and teaching experience.

The Black kids are sitting together because being singled out as the representative of one’s race is exhausting. Because they share an understanding of the frequent subtle racist behavior around them. Because they are supporting one another as they develop their internal racial identities.

Psychologist William Cross’ theory of racial identity development:

  • pre-encounter – racial identity unexamined and stereotypes absorbed unquestioned
  • encounter – events force examination of the personal impact of racism
  • immersion/emersion – focus on developing racial identity, socializing with people of the same race
  • internalization – sense of security about one’s racial identity
  • internalization/commitment -taking action in the world to interrupt racism

Dr. Tatum explains:

Sometimes I find it helpful to compare this process to learning another language. The best way to learn a second language is to travel to a place where it is spoken and experience complete immersion. Once you have achieved the level of proficiency you need, you can leave. If you worked hard to become conversant, you will of course take pride in your accomplishment and will not want to spend time with people who disparage your commitment to this endeavor.

Development of a racial identity for Whites, White guilt, and the role of White anti-racist allies are also addressed, as well as racial identiy development for Latinos, biracial people, and others.

Highly recommended for anyone who is frustrated and confused about racism and wants clear, positive, hopeful information.

Available at bookshop.org.

“The New Basic Black: Home Training for Modern Times” by Karen Grigsby Bates and Karen Elyse Hudson

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Subtitle: A guide for gracious living that covers the essentials of black American traditions with updates for the new millennium

Recommended to me by: jesse-the-k on DreamWidth

This is a compendium of traditional etiquette advice (which fork to put where, how to put wedding invitations in the envelope), common sense advice for all (be on time for your restaurant reservations), and advice specifically for African-Americans (what to do when your restaurant reservation isn’t honored, or is dishonored with a poor table, when they see the color of your skin).

The tone is warm, inclusive, direct, and calm.

The feeling may be so subtle it’s hard for you to put a finger on – or so blatant you’re tempted to leave and call the NAACP – but a nagging sense of deja vu tells you you’re not just being paranoid.

If you feel you’ve been given a poor table, or are receiving poor service because you look different from the other diners, speak up. When you’re offered the offensive table, tell the maitre d’ firmly, “I’m sorry; this isn’t acceptable. We’d rather sit somewhere over there, please.” … If the matter isn’t resolved to your satisfaction, you may choose to leave and take your business elsewhere.

As a white daughter of an immigrant family, I noticed differences from my own “home training” with interest. More emphasis on “proper” clothing, and responsibility to extended family. A heartbreaking focus on how to behave at funerals for both elders and youth.

I also noticed where my unconscious stereotypes crept in. A small voice in the back of my mind was surprised at the section on how to treat household help, but of course busy African-Americans hire help!

There were parts of the book I skipped or skimmed (how to behave at church, how to dress for a formal wedding).

Recommended for people of any race who want to learn more about being a considerate, respected, respectful member of society. I think of etiquette in terms of keeping other people comfortable, but this book includes advice about expressing clear boundaries as well.

Available at biblio.com.

“Totally Tolerant” by Diane Webber and Laurie Mandel

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Subtitle: Spotting and stopping prejudice

A brief, photo-filled book with concrete advice for teens on embracing diversity and overcoming prejudice.  Adults can benefit from this book as well.

As you can see on the cover, the photos strongly support the book’s message, showing people of a variety of skin colors, genders, and ethnicities.

Diversity is defined as difference.  Tolerance is defined as “respect for everyone’s religion, gender, race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, and social class.”  Stories about students from different backgrounds illustrate positive and negative experiences with tolerance and the effects they had.

From the back cover: “Everyone should at least make an attempt to stop bigotry.  Otherwise, other people suffer because you don’t have the guts to stand up for what you believe in.”  — Kevin, 14.

I’m encouraged to see the clear, positive approach this book takes toward spotting and stopping prejudice.  It addresses bullying as well.  I wish every teen (and every adult) would read and absorb its wisdom.

Available at biblio.com.

“Mastering Life’s Energies” by Maria Nemeth, PhD

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Subtitle: Simple Steps to a Luminous Life at Work and Play

Recommended to me by: Aubrie De Clerck

Maria Nemeth offers step-by-step instructions on how to move from a fog of confusion to living with “clarity, focus, ease, and grace.”

I do want to live with clarity, focus, ease, and grace, but I didn’t start reading in a fog of confusion. I did find some useful insights in this book.

She distinguishes between unhelpful Monkey Mind and helpful voice of wisdom. She characterizes Monkey Mind as insistent, survival-oriented, tensing the body, carrying a sense of dread or impending doom, defensive, and humorless.

By contrast, the voice of wisdom tends to be compassionate toward self and others, spacious, the heart relaxes, contains gentle good humor, generosity of spirit, kindness, open-heartedness, and the sense that all is well.

She reminds us to see people as whole and complete in themselves, rather than in need of fixing or rescuing.

She asks how you see your body, and then how does your body see you? I had never thought about that. I paused to ask myself this question, and my body says it misses me when I’m not present to myself. She proposes that our bodies love us, and my experience agrees.

I also found parts of the book condescending or irrelevant. She sometimes seems to forget that her reader does not need fixing.  Her strangely short list of Life Intentions reads more as her personal definition of How To Be A Good Person rather than as a generally applicable list. There is far too much talk about dieting, even when she notes that “weight loss” is not a positive goal. Repeated mentions of her “thousands of clients” did not strengthen the book’s message for me.

Recommended, with some skimming.

Available at bookshop.org.

“The Encyclopedia of Energy Medicine” by Linnie Thomas

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Recommended to me by: Rosalind Bell

Linnie Thomas, from Tualatin, OR, has researched and described 65 different energy medicine modalities. She was inspired by her own difficulty in finding and choosing an energy medicine class. She is now a Healing Touch practitioner.  About the author.

Like most encyclopedias, this book is not meant to be read from cover to cover, but rather to serve as a reference. I got about halfway through before the modalities began to blur together.

Each section includes a few pages describing the modality, a session, the training process, and where it is taught. I found the articles most helpful if I had experienced a session in that modality before. If I was completely unfamiliar with a modality, the brief description wasn’t enough to give me a feel for it. If I have training in a modality, I noticed the information that was left out.

I recommend this book for someone who is curious about modalities they’ve received before, or who is considering training in energy medicine and wants to explore their options.

Available at biblio.com.

“The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion” by Christopher K. Germer, PhD

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Subtitle: Freeing Yourself from Destructive Thoughts and Emotions.

This “un-self-help” book by a clinical psychologist shows how to stop fighting uncomfortable emotions and accept them with self-compassion instead. Step by step, Germer shows how to be kind to ourselves, listen to our bodies, and bring in difficult emotions.

I liked his analysis of the stages of acceptance (as distinct from the stages of grief):

Stages of Acceptance:

  1. Aversion – resistance, avoidance, rumination
  2. Curiosity – turning toward discomfort with interest
  3. Tolerance – safely enduring
  4. Allowing – letting feelings come and go
  5. Friendship – embracing, seeing hidden value

He carefully notes pitfalls along the path for trauma survivors. For example, it can be triggering to focus on the breath during meditation, so an external focus such as holding a stone or watching a candle could be more calming.

I was pleasantly surprised by his awareness of diversity and discrimination. Even a few mentions of those issues go a long way toward fostering my trust of a white male author as I read. For example, his stories contain some same-sex couples. On the subject of medication, he advocates deciding what’s most kind for yourself.

The second half of the book describes metta or loving-kindness meditation. Phrases like “May I be safe. May I be happy. May I be healthy. May I live with ease.” are directed first toward the self, then toward a loved one, then toward someone neutral, then to a difficult person or enemy.

He describes the backdraft which can occur with this meditation, a rush of feelings similar to the rush of flame from opening a door on a fire.

I had a hard time staying with this part of the book. Perhaps it was from a backdraft of feelings. Perhaps it was my reaction to the instructional tone. I’m having a strong response to being told what to think or how to feel lately, even when I’m reading a self-help book.

Overall, I recommend this book. It has much less fixing and more compassion than most self-help books. It’s a delight to see a psychologist advocating self-kindness and acceptance as a way toward healing.

Available at bookshop.org.