Curious, Healing

Books about healing, business, and fun

healing

“Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers” by Karyl McBride

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A mix of personal memoir, client stories, and self-help advice, this book compassionately details the effects of having a narcissistic mother and shows a pathway for healing.

Narcissism – extreme self-absorbtion and inability to empathize with others – occurs on a spectrum from a few narcissistic traits to full-blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Women with these traits compete with, control, or ignore their children rather than providing unconditional mirroring and acceptance.

Their children grow up questioning their very right to existence, either piling up achievements to become “good enough”, or hiding from their pain in drugs, alcohol, and acting out.

“A daughter who doesn’t receive validation from her earliest relationship with her mother learns that she has no significance in the world and her efforts have no effect. She tries her hardest to make a genuine connection with Mom, but fails, and thinks that the problem of rarely being able to please her mother lies within herself. This teaches the daugther that she is unworthy of love.”

McBride gives three steps for recovery:

  1. Understanding and diagnosing the problem
  2. Processing the grief and other feelings from childhood
  3. Discovering true preferences, values, and ways of being.

I recommend this calm, thorough, and encouraging book to anyone who finds herself struggling to prove that she is good enough to be seen, honored, and valued.

Available at bookshop.org.

“Fox” by Margaret Wild and Ron Brooks

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Recommended to me by: Susan Reagel

With its full-page drawings, brief text, and animal characters in the Australian wilderness, “Fox” is in a children’s book format, but it is an adult book in disguise. How many children’s books begin with despair over loss and disability, move through partnership and betrayal, and end with the determination to do what it takes to surmount mistakes?

At first I was impatient with the hand-lettered text, some of it pasted in sideways on the page. I was soon drawn in to the active, expressive, textured drawings and the raw, honest, emotionally vivid story of one-eyed Dog, burnt-winged Magpie, and lonely, jealous Fox.

Find this book. Read it, look at it, take in its many-layered message of survival, compassion, and hope.

Available at biblio.com.

“Comfort Secrets for Busy Women” by Jennifer Louden

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Recommended to me by: Emma McCreary

When I saw its pink cover and tie-in title with Jennifer Louden’s earlier book “The Women’s Comfort Book”, I expected to be bored by shallow platitudes.

Instead, I engaged deeply with Louden’s ongoing process, vignettes from other women’s stories, gentle questions rather than strident answers, and a focus on creating an authentic life with profound, courageous self-acceptance.

Most of all, the book reminded me to notice how far I’ve come in consciously creating my life, and validated the crooked path I’ve taken in listening to myself and sitting with not-knowing.

Plus, the book mentions my Reiki teacher Priscilla Stuckey and prompted me to reconnect with her on Twitter.

Available at biblio.com.

“Legacy of the Heart – the spiritual advantages of a painful childhood” by Wayne Muller

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Recommended to me by: Emma McCreary

With warmth and care, Muller describes some of the outcomes of an abusive childhood, or “family of sorrow,” and some spiritual tools that can bring healing.

Near the beginning of the book, he proposes an exercise that resonated deeply with me. (Emphasis added.)

[F]or a single day: Resolve to go through an entire day assuming that you are trustworthy, that all your feelings are accurate, that all your perceptions and intuitions are reliable. As you approach each person or situation, ask yourself the questions, If I knew that I was absolutely trustworthy, how would I handle this moment? What would I do? What could I say that would be true? What would be the right action to settle this situation with safety and clarity?

I wish this exercise had been proposed to me by every healer I’ve seen. I wish everyone in confusion, doubt, and pain could be encouraged to try this, and begin to find their center again.

He takes spiritual insights from Christianity, Judaism, Sufism, Buddhism, and other faiths. As an ordained minister, he is clearly most familiar with Christianity, awkwardly referring to Jews as “Hebrews.”

Each chapter covers a different effect of a difficult childhood, including Pain and Forgiveness, Fear and Faith, Grandiosity and Humility, etc. Some chapters spoke to me more than others, despite his assumption that everyone would have all the issues he mentions.

He can also be prescriptive in some of his exercises, for example suggesting that one speak the words of forgiveness whether one feels them or not. While forgiveness can be powerfully healing, I believe that it cannot be rushed, and forcing the process only prolongs the pain.

Overall, I recommend this book to anyone who is struggling with creating meaning from a painful childhood. As the quote above recommends, keep a careful eye on what resonates for you, and skip over what does not. Different chapters may speak to you at different times.

Available at bookshop.org.

“Gluten-free girl – How I found the food that loves me back… & how you can too” by Shauna James Ahern

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Recommended to me by: Shauna James Ahern’s blog

Ahern describes a childhood filled with packaged and processed foods, and increasing problems with digestion and energy. She forges a new relationship with food as an adult, and finally realizes that she has celiac disease. Whenever she eats wheat or any other food containing gluten, her digestive system attacks itself, causing a multitude of symptoms, including severe lack of energy and digestive distress.

The richly detailed prose glows with her enthusiasm for food and for life. The only downside of the book is that it repeats background material, more like a collection of essays than a single narrative.

I appreciated learning that celiac disease can be present even if the symptoms are not yet at crisis level. I also appreciated the descriptions of gluten-free grains. The warnings about where gluten can hide motivated me to take more care in my kitchen, including replacing my wooden spoons.

I bought this book in hopes of finding a recipe for flourless cake. It has a lot of great gluten-free recipes, but not that one, alas. I ended up using this chocolate decadence recipe instead (with high-quality chocolate) to great acclaim. I do plan to try some of her recipes.

Available at bookshop.org.

“Traumatic Stress – The Effects of Overwhelming Experience on Mind, Body, and Society” edited by Bessel van der Kolk, Alexander McFarlane, and Lars Weisaeth

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This is a collection of research papers by van der Kolk, McFarlane, Weisaeth, and others, chronicling the effects and treatment of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

The first section, Background Issues and History, covers some of the reasons for society’s repeated repudiation of PTSD as a valid diagnosis, and chronic lack of research into effective treatments. I am glad to see these researchers’ firm belief in the validity of traumatic reactions.

Other sections are Acute Reactions; Adaptations to Trauma; Memory: Mechanisms and Processes; Developmental, Societal, and Cultural Issues; and Treatment. The papers are clearly written, but dense, and I read them a few at a time. This is a great reference book for anyone working with traumatized people.

Available at bookshop.org.