Curious, Healing

Books about healing, business, and fun

memoir

“Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers” by Karyl McBride

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A mix of personal memoir, client stories, and self-help advice, this book compassionately details the effects of having a narcissistic mother and shows a pathway for healing.

Narcissism – extreme self-absorbtion and inability to empathize with others – occurs on a spectrum from a few narcissistic traits to full-blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Women with these traits compete with, control, or ignore their children rather than providing unconditional mirroring and acceptance.

Their children grow up questioning their very right to existence, either piling up achievements to become “good enough”, or hiding from their pain in drugs, alcohol, and acting out.

“A daughter who doesn’t receive validation from her earliest relationship with her mother learns that she has no significance in the world and her efforts have no effect. She tries her hardest to make a genuine connection with Mom, but fails, and thinks that the problem of rarely being able to please her mother lies within herself. This teaches the daugther that she is unworthy of love.”

McBride gives three steps for recovery:

  1. Understanding and diagnosing the problem
  2. Processing the grief and other feelings from childhood
  3. Discovering true preferences, values, and ways of being.

I recommend this calm, thorough, and encouraging book to anyone who finds herself struggling to prove that she is good enough to be seen, honored, and valued.

Available at bookshop.org.

“The Wise Heart – A Guide to the Universal Teachings of Buddhist Psychology” by Jack Kornfield

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Jack Kornfield, an experienced American meditation teacher, combines Buddhist philosophy, meditation exercises, and stories about his students and himself into a thorough introduction to Buddhist psychology.

The Buddhist therapeutic techniques for resolving trauma are strikingly similar to Somatic Experiencing techniques. One comes from self-observation, and one comes from observation of other animals. Perhaps it’s unsurprising that they have converged on a similar set of gentle, effective techniques.

I had a lot of reactions while reading the 400 pages of this book. Interest in people’s experiences with meditation and transformation. Boredom with the more esoteric details about Buddhism. Self-judgment about my own meditation experiences. Longing for the support of a meditative community. Relief when reading about self-acceptance.

One section describes the three personality types that cause suffering: grasping, aversive, and deluded. We all have elements of these types, and may lean strongly toward one of them. Fortunately, awareness and acceptance can mitigate the suffering they cause, and even bring positive benefits.

I felt defensive about recognizing the aversive type in myself. Yeah, okay, so I have a strong judgmental voice. At the same time, it’s a relief to realize that lots of people struggle with this. It’s normal, acceptable. The positive side of aversion is discernment.

I recommend this book if you’re interested in a warm, accessible, occasionally dry introduction to Buddhist thought. It can be fascinating to observe your reactions as you read!

Available at bookshop.org.

“What Should I Do with My Life?” by Po Bronson

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Po Bronson sought out hundreds of people’s true stories about answering the question, “What should I do with my life?” He tells 55 of these stories in detail, loosely organized by the issues they were confronting.

I was drawn in by each person’s richly described story, as well as by the underlying story of Po Bronson’s own journey. Rather than providing answers, the book provides a glimpse of how each person approached the question and the process.

From the conclusion:

“Now I know passion is rooted in deeply-felt experiences […] Now I think the choice is in whether to be honest, to ourselves and others, and the rest is more of an uncovering, a peeling away of layers, discovering talents we assumed we didn’t have.”

An enjoyable read, recommended to anyone who is interested in authenticity, transformation, and living well.

Sample chapters at Po Bronson’s website.

Available at bookshop.org.

“Tales from Rhapsody Home – Or, What They Don’t Tell You about Senior Living” by John Gould

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John Gould, prolific columnist and writer from small-town Maine, expounds on his life in a retirement home as a nonagenarian.

The textured Maine vocabulary and speech rhythms come through clearly, whether he is documenting his efforts to get some fresh air at night in his new home, or recounting stories from his childhood.

The sense of times gone by is supported by frequent price quotes. 7 cents for a fresh loaf of bread, 6 cents for a stale one for stuffing. An elegant horse-drawn buggy, said to have been custom-built for $700, bought by John Gould’s grandfather for $3 at an estate auction.

Present-day costs at the Rhapsody Home are “steep” and subject to unexpected surcharges. The staff makes no effort to accomodate the elderly residents.

The book is a quick read, funny and bitter by turns. The underlying theme of adjusting to change can apply at any age.

Available at biblio.com.

“Gluten-free girl – How I found the food that loves me back… & how you can too” by Shauna James Ahern

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Recommended to me by: Shauna James Ahern’s blog

Ahern describes a childhood filled with packaged and processed foods, and increasing problems with digestion and energy. She forges a new relationship with food as an adult, and finally realizes that she has celiac disease. Whenever she eats wheat or any other food containing gluten, her digestive system attacks itself, causing a multitude of symptoms, including severe lack of energy and digestive distress.

The richly detailed prose glows with her enthusiasm for food and for life. The only downside of the book is that it repeats background material, more like a collection of essays than a single narrative.

I appreciated learning that celiac disease can be present even if the symptoms are not yet at crisis level. I also appreciated the descriptions of gluten-free grains. The warnings about where gluten can hide motivated me to take more care in my kitchen, including replacing my wooden spoons.

I bought this book in hopes of finding a recipe for flourless cake. It has a lot of great gluten-free recipes, but not that one, alas. I ended up using this chocolate decadence recipe instead (with high-quality chocolate) to great acclaim. I do plan to try some of her recipes.

Available at bookshop.org.

“Not Even My Name – From a Death March in Turkey to a New Home in America, a Young Girl’s True Story of Genocide and Survival” by Thea Halo

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Recommended to me by: Joe Graziosi in a East European Folklife Center (EEFC) mailing list post Re: Books on Pontos/Pontian People?

Thea Halo and her mother Sano Themia Halo present a gorgeously detailed first-person account of the countryside, daily life, and people living in a tiny village in the Pontic mountains of Turkey south of the Black Sea in the early 20th century. Equally vividly, they describes the end of that way of life as ten-year-old Themia, her family, and everyone else around them are forced away from their homes on a months-long, heartbreaking death march.

I found myself skipping over the occasional departures from a personal account into paragraphs of historical numbers and dates, and Joe Graziosi notes that these history lessons are “biased and often incorrect“.

I learned about the Pontic people and their peaceful village life. I learned about the little-known genocide of Pontic Greeks, Armenians, and Assyrians in Turkey after World War I. I learned that the Assyrians are a living people, not just a shape on a map in Ancient World History class.

I learned about one girl’s survival, and her decision to act in kindness rather than meanness throughout her life. When she had finally come to relative safety after her horrific journey, I recognized a trauma response in her daily bouts of shivering. I’m glad she finally reached a place where she could receive caring and warmth.

Available at bookshop.org.