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Curious, Healing

Curious, Healing

Books about healing, business, and fun

  • About Sonia Connolly

“Resilient Management” by Lara Hogan

November 30, 2024 by Sonia Connolly Leave a Comment

book cover
Recommended to me by: Allison McMillan

Managers of engineering teams are often software engineers promoted to management without additional training, and without the realization that management is a new job requiring new skills. This is a compassionate and kind book with a lot of practical, actionable advice on how to be better manager of a software team.

It starts with a common description of the stages of a new Agile team:

  • Forming – everyone is politely getting to know each other
  • Storming – conflicts arise from people’s different ways of working and interacting
  • Norming – the team settles into functional ways of working together
  • Performing – the team is a cohesive whole, effectively moving forward and accomplishing their goals

In the section on getting to know team members, Lara Hogan emphasizes that everyone has different needs and preferences, and it works better to be curious than to assume everyone is the same. She offers this list of First 1:1 Questions to get to know each person.

It is important to be mindful of people’s core needs. Paloma Medina describes core needs as:

  • Belonging
  • Improvement/Progress
  • Choice
  • Equality/Fairness
  • Predictability
  • Significance

which spells BICEPS as a memory aid. More at: palomamedina.com/biceps

Managers have many jobs, from keeping the team’s work on track to coaching team members to helping resolve problems and conflicts. Managers can ask themselves what they are optimizing for, and communicate that, to help team members know what to expect and how best to work together.

With each team member, managers can mentor (give advice), coach (ask open questions), sponsor (give a team member opportunities) and give feedback (both positive and negative). Coaching is a skill worth developing to help people grow.

One way to structure feedback is: Observation of behavior + Impact of behavior + Request or Question = Specific, actionable feedback. Observations should be neutral and factual. Impact can relate to feelings, and should also be measurable and understandable by the feedback recipient. For example, emails that are too terse add much more time to the overall process of communicating.

Set clear expectations and assign roles for projects and decisions with RACI – who is Responsible, Accountable, Consulted, and Informed. This prevents committees where everyone is in on the discussions but no one person takes action.

Teams can have a Vision, Mission, Strategy, and Objectives to align toward accomplishing their goals.

Identify and document the team’s meetings, communication channels, and processes, to help new people who are joining, and to have a single point of reference.

Plan carefully for communications about difficult topics that impact the team, for example, reorgs or layoffs. Who needs to know when, what to say, etc.

Communication can have different tones or energies, which can be represented with colors.

  • Red – a bit of anger, frustration, edge, or urgency
  • Orange – cautious, hesitant, tiptoes around topics
  • Yellow – lighthearted, effervescent, cracks jokes
  • Green – in tune with others’ feelings, loving, high emotional intelligence
  • Blue – calm, cool, collected, steady
  • Purple – creative, flow, great at storytelling
  • Brown – adds (and lives in) nuance, complexity, or ambiguity
  • Black – blunt, unfeeling, no nuance, cut and dry

Listen for people’s motivations and connect messages about things you want them to do to things they care about.

Manage your own energy, and delegate more to team members, which helps them grow and lightens your load. Say no to things that aren’t the highest priorities. Develop a support network of other managers, by reaching out for conversations.

Highly recommended for new and existing managers, and also people who are managed. We can acquire new skills on both sides of the management relationship.

Available at bookshop.org.

Filed Under: nonfiction Tagged With: business, communication, leadership, software

“What Every Pianist Needs to Know about the Body” by Thomas Mark

November 16, 2024 by Sonia Connolly Leave a Comment

book cover
Recommended to me by: Reading What Every Singer Needs to Know about the Body

I bought this book around the time I studied piano for a year in 2015, but never got around to reading it. I got rid of it along with two bike trailer loads of books at Powells before leaving Portland. Now in 2024 I’m learning piano again with renewed interest, so I got the book from inter-library loan and gave it a try.

What Every Singer Needs to Know about the Body is very dense and technical. I read it a few pages at a time. I expected the piano book to be similarly dense. Instead, it is more accessibly written and covers some of the same material as What Every Musician Needs to Know about the Body, so I could read it a chapter or two at time.

It was useful to see the general material about balance and alignment in the body again. I’m starting to sense my AO joint that supports the base of my skull, and understand what it might mean to free my neck instead of pulling my head down. I’m still trying to sense the weight-supporting part of my lumbar spine curving up through the center of my body.

This book talks a lot about freeing the arms and integrating their movement with the whole body, since the arms (not just the fingers) play the piano. Most of what we think of as back and chest muscles are really arm muscles, originating on the torso and attaching to the shoulder blade and humerus.

I appreciated the exercise to find balance for the collarbone and shoulder blade position. Pull them up, then slowly allow them to release down until there’s no muscular effort. Pull them down and then slowly release up. Pull them forward and slowly release back. Pull them back and slowly release forward. I want to do that at the beginning of practice sessions. (Described at about 1:15:00 in the video linked below.)

You can think of the forearm and hand having a shallow arch, with the keystone at the wrist. Lead with the head and reach with your whole spine when leaning toward the top or bottom notes of the keyboard.

It also had revelatory material about the piano itself. To play louder, press the keys faster to “throw” the little hammer at the string more strongly. To play softer, press the keys more slowly. I was having trouble figuring out loud and soft, and this explains it. Also, once a key’s descent triggers that hammer throw, continuing to push hard on it will have no effect on the sound. Releasing the key does release the damper to end the sound.

Of all the books I got rid of, this is one I will buy again, because it’s useful to me now, and I’m going to want to come back to the material.

It has material for organists too, which was interesting even though less directly useful to me. I had no idea playing the organ was such an athletic whole-body activity.

Highly recommended for pianists and organists!

I also got rid of the companion video, and I found it again on the Internet Archive! What Every Pianist Needs to Know about the Body (2 hour video) by Thomas Mark. Also highly recommended. It’s illuminating to see his demonstrations of moving in balance, and some of the ways to be out of balance.

Available at bookshop.org.

Filed Under: nonfiction Tagged With: bodywork, illustrated, music

“The Left Hand of Dog” by Si Clarke

November 16, 2024 by Sonia Connolly Leave a Comment

book cover
Subtitle: An Extremely Silly Tale of Alien Abduction, Starship Teapot #1
Recommended to me by: free download offer on mastodon (now expired)

The dedication at the front of the book says, “For everyone whose mind is reeling from, well, everything and who can’t cope with another serious novel about serous people dealing with serious problems. Not right now.”

And the content notes are “Anaphylactic shock, minor injury to a dog. Also, please note that trans women are women. Trans men are men. Non-binary people are who they tell you they are. This book is not for TERFs.”

With that reassuring beginning, the book starts out with Lem and their dog, Spock, settling in to a camping vacation, and proceeds immediately to the silly alien abduction. A group of alien abductees soon coalesces and works on getting back home. There are universal translators, but each person has to come up with their own names for individuals and species they meet, since sound production varies so wildly between aliens.

Silly, warm, with just enough danger to keep the plot moving forward. This book delivers on what it offers up front. Recommended if that’s what you need right now.

Available at bookshop.org.

Filed Under: fiction Tagged With: fun, science fiction

“Lady Eve’s Last Con” by Rebecca Fraimow

November 2, 2024 by Sonia Connolly Leave a Comment

book cover
Recommended to me by: Luzula

I loved the world-building in this book. Humanity has dispersed to the stars, and brought corporate greed, income inequality, and the need for insurance along, not to mention complex social politics. These people are so rich that they create a white sand beach complete with ocean and waves on a satellite.

There are characters of African and Asian descent and their presence is taken for granted in high society, so at least that has improved in this future world. Names are multicultural, with a wealthy family named Mendez-Yuki. The main character goes undercover as Evelyn Ojukwu, a socialite from a distant planet. Judaism and its cultural and religious rules play a role in the plot, to my delight.

The book centers capable women, with men as annoying hindrances or servants. LGBT relationships are apparently looked at askance, but a budding romance between the main character and another super-competent woman is a main focus of the plot.

The other focus is revenge. The main character is a con artist. Lying is what she does for a living, and she’s good at it. There is some judgement of con artists in the book, but overall the main character takes it for granted that it’s a fine thing to do, which bothered me.

I’m not quite the target audience for this book, but it was well-written, inclusive, and the plot moved right along. Recommended if this is your kind of thing.

Available at bookshop.org.

Filed Under: fiction Tagged With: fun, science fiction

“I’m Afraid You’ve Got Dragons” by Peter S. Beagle

October 20, 2024 by Sonia Connolly Leave a Comment

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Recommended to me by: being a longtime fan of Peter Beagle’s work

Long ago, I read and loved Peter Beagle’s books “The Last Unicorn” and “Folk of the Air.” Later there were a string of books I didn’t like as much, but I see that I liked Summerlong back in 2016. This is his latest book, new in 2024.

“I’m Afraid You’ve Got Dragons” starts out with a main character with the quirky profession of dragon exterminator in a standard medieval fantasy setting . Then it intentionally and delightfully subverts all the expectations that come along with that setting. At 18, the main characters are grown adults, not children being sent on adventures. Their parents are very much present, complex characters in their own right. Women characters have as much strength and autonomy as the men, if not more. Men have emotions and tenderness right along with the women.

The book is complete in itself, and I would love to see a sequel in the same world. My only complaint is that it was over too soon.

Highly recommended.

Available at bookshop.org.

Filed Under: fiction Tagged With: fantasy, fun

“You Just Don’t Understand” by Deborah Tannen, Ph.D.

August 31, 2024 by Sonia Connolly Leave a Comment

book cover
Subtitle: Women and Men in Conversation

Recommended to me by: a friend

My friend was telling me about a gathering where one person had a knee injury. All the women who stopped to chat with the injured person asked how she was doing and how she had gotten injured. All the men talked about their own knee injuries or other injuries they had experienced. My friend said the men were trying to save the injured person’s pride and equalize status by saying they had gotten injured too. I sputtered that that was a very generous interpretation, but I didn’t necessarily agree. She recommended this book.

The book was published in 1990, and it shows. There is an updated edition from 2007, but I got the older edition from the library.

Tannen’s thesis is that women talk to support intimacy, and men talk to compete for status. The first half of the book has many examples, without ever mentioning sexism or cultural influences, not to mention non-binary people. Men protect their independence at the same time as women are trying to build connection, causing discord in heterosexual relationships.

Just about when I was going to stop reading in frustration, Tannen says that Italian preschoolers of any gender debate heatedly with each other, because that is what Italian culture teaches and expects. She also talks about New York Jewish culture, where both women and men are more direct and outspoken, and less direct people interpret that as being rude and pushy.

Then she talks about sexism, where men who are direct and authoritative are interpreted as being powerful and appropriately masculine, whereas women are seen as overstepping their bounds and being arrogant or aggressive. She talks about how the press talked about Geraldine Ferraro in disparagingly gendered terms “but they didn’t mean to.” I wonder if she wanted to retract that generous interpretation after seeing how the press treated Hillary Clinton.

At the very end, she says that she is not advocating for anyone to change their style, but to keep in mind these differences and be open to believing in people’s good intentions. Like any less-dominant group, I think women already understand the status-oriented style quite well, and men need to pick up the slack by learning to work better with a collaborative style.

The book does have a few nods toward Not All Men, and Not All Women. It mentions gay and lesbian relationships once that I noticed. It has a terribly racist description of communication styles in a Mayan community in Mexico that I can only hope is improved in the 2007 edition.

My friend did a great job of summarizing the primary takeaway of the book (women talk for connection, men talk for status). It’s a useful thing to listen for.

Available at bookshop.org.

Filed Under: nonfiction Tagged With: communication, psychology, relationship

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