psychology

Subtitle: Stop beating yourself up and leave insecurity behind

Kristin Neff is a psychology professor who focuses on self-compassion. Her book has a lot of helpful information – and also pushed my buttons. I think I’m not in her target audience.

While Kristin Neff talks about some emotional trauma in her life, there is an “us vs. them” feeling when she talks about trauma and mental illness, and an element of blame for self-defeating behaviors that arise from anxiety and self-criticism. It’s hard to read about compassion while feeling the raw edge of judgment.

I think she intentionally simplifies the discussion and examples for her intended audience, and “proves” her ideas by referring to small research studies where she gave questionnaires to college students.

I set the book aside in frustration, but I’m glad I went back to it.

Self-compassion is first compared with self-esteem. Self-esteem is an evaluation of our self-image, where self-compassion is a response to feeling fear, shame, or other painful emotions. Self-esteem depends on comparison and competition with others, where self-compassion reminds us of our common humanity.

To err is human. Better to be human than perfect. Moments of shame and inadequacy feel isolating, but all humans have them. Where do you excel? Where are you average? Where are you less than average?

She suggests gentle caresses, and kind words of acceptance. “Poor darling. This is really hard right now.”

Remember that our actions arise from an interconnected web of genetics, environment, past events, and current resources. Causality and blame are ambiguous. “Judgment defines people as bad vs. good. Discriminating wisdom recognizes complexity and ambiguity.”

Mindfulness helps us notice moments of suffering before (or while) dropping into blame and problem-solving. It helps us respond rather than react. Suffering = pain x resistance.

“One thing we have little power to change is what goes on inside our own heads. […] Thoughts and emotions arise unbidden and often overstay their welcome.”

Notice the experience of painful feelings in the body, and send yourself compassion for feeling that way. “Soften, soothe, allow.”

Three doorways into self-compassion: mindfulness, common humanity, kindness.

“This is a moment of suffering.
Suffering is part of life.
May I be kind to myself in this moment.
May I give myself the compassion I need.”

Self-compassion can be hard for survivors of childhood abuse because it is sometimes associated with the cycle of alternating kindness and abuse.

Self-compassion doesn’t magically make the negative thoughts and feelings go away.

Self-compassion motivates better than self-criticism, despite what many parents and teachers enact. Love, not fear. “What’s good for you?” instead of “Are you good enough?” Intrinsic vs. extrinsic motivation.

Sympathetic joy – appreciating others’ success and good qualities allows us to appreciate our own as well, and helps us stay aware of the positive in general. Celebrate achievements, which also come from a mix of genetics, environment, etc.

Through the book, Neff talks about how helpful self-compassion has been with her husband Rupert and son Rowan, especially when Rowan was diagnosed with autism. At the end of the book she describes their adventure in Mongolia, combining horseback riding with shamanism to help Rowan, chronicled in the documentary and book, “The Horse Boy.”

Available at bookshop.org.

Subtitle: The Missing Ingredient for a Healthy and Lasting Relationship

Recommended to me by: my sister

There are some good ideas in this book, delivered in a patronizing, lecturing tone with a lot of repetition. Yes, people choose each other for a reason, and it’s useful to remember that when times get hard. No, staying with someone when pregnant and later having more children with them is not always an uncomplicated free choice in our misogynist society.

One of the recommended techniques is deep breathing to calm the nervous system. I liked the explicit tie from nervous system activation (stress) to continued struggles, and from nervous system calming to forgiveness. The more we can calm our nervous systems, the better we feel, regardless of how others behave.

I also liked the repeated statement that forgiveness and acceptance are two different things. One can forgive someone for behaving badly, and still get out of range of their bad behavior.

Being forgiving means understanding that you can’t force your lover to change just because you are uncomfortable, inconvenienced, or disturbed. It is up to you to manage your emotional reactions, not the responsibility of your partner. Once you are able to forgive, you can deal with the [original] problem with dignity and openness, not blame.”

Other good advice: Notice what does work, since our attention is often drawn to what doesn’t work. Be grateful for the blessing of being loved. Change “You must …” to “I wish…” and drop unenforceable rules. Grieve the losses when you don’t get what you want. Both recognize that you are flawed, and give yourself a break. Forgive yourself.

Sadly, the example couples are all heterosexual and all painfully adherent to their stereotypical gender roles, except in two examples where the roles are still stereotypical but it looks like the names have been swapped.

Race, ethnicity, and income are not mentioned, but all the names and stories read as white, European-American, and middle class.

There was one great example where, early in Dr. Luskin’s couple’s therapy career, a man came in with a long list of complaints about his wife. The therapist sat stunned, thinking that the wife deserved combat pay for putting up with this, and finally responded, “If she met your standards, why would this superwoman hang out with you?” His main point was that the wife forgave the husband for being critical. To me, that highlights the difficult line between forgiving people for having human failings, and tolerating abuse.

Recommended as a first book about forgiveness for heterosexual gender-role compliant white people in monogamous couples, or for anyone else who can be forgiving of the book’s weak points.

Available at bookshop.org.