communication

“The Manager’s Path” by Camille Fournier

May 28, 2022 by Sonia Connolly Leave a Comment

Subtitle: A Guide for Tech Leaders Navigating Growth & Change

I expected this book to be boring, but it’s engagingly written and connects with my experience of working in tech. Camille Fournier writes from her own experience as a CTO (Chief Technical Officer) at several companies and includes quotes from other tech leaders, both men and women.

She starts with mentoring, which almost every technical person is expected to do eventually, and works up through tech lead, manager, director, up to CTO and VP of Engineering. She advises anyone who wants to be a manager of software engineers to spend enough time learning to code (5-7 years) to have those skills solidly available going forward.

I’m a software engineer who has mentored people and led projects, but will not be climbing the corporate ladder any higher. It was interesting to hear about the concerns that arise at higher levels. The need to figure out who is unhappy, why teams are not working well together, who is managing badly, and who might leave suddenly. The need to make good decisions about future directions on insufficient data. The need to develop intuition and keep taking in information to guide those decisions.

As she talks about mentoring interns and managing individual contributors, she includes all technical roles. Her primary advice is that relationships and communication are crucial even though programming might appear to be a solitary technical occupation. Not only do successful projects require communication with other engineers and the manager, they require communication with the stakeholders who say what to build, and the sales and marketing people who help it go out into the world.

She talks a lot about the importance of one-on-one meetings between managers and the people they manage to build trust and address problems early. She recommends skip-level meetings, where a director who manages managers also meets with individual contributors.

In addition, positive relationships are crucial to success in the working world. Not only do they make work more pleasant, they help people collaborate and share information. People who like working together help each other get jobs in the future.

I can clearly see this is true over the 30 years of my career. I built positive working relationships naturally, and I’m still not sure the advice makes sense until one experiences it. It’s not about fake, forced networking with people one doesn’t like – it’s about staying connected and friendly with people one does like to support one another going forward. In school, success artificially depends only on individual actions (although I think kids do more group work nowadays), but most accomplishments out in the world depend on interconnected people building things together.

The pronouns in this book bothered me. Rather than using she/he or they, Camille Fournier switched between using he for some examples and she for others. An intern was he while being described in general, and then she when performance problems came up. After that the pronouns were more even-handed, but I was very aware of them all the way through, braced for women to be portrayed negatively. As far as I remember, they/them pronouns were not used for anyone.

Recommended to anyone who works in a technical field, and especially anyone who wants to become a manager.

Links from the book:
The Tyranny of Structurelessness by Jo Freeman aka Joreen, a classic essay on why managers are necessary.

On Being A Senior Engineer which includes the suggestion to use senior influence to sponsor (rather than mentor) underrepresented people in engineering. Recommend them for positions. Highlight their accomplishments. Praise them publicly. Also refers to What Does Sponsorship Look Like by Lara Hogan.

Available at bookshop.org.

“Set Boundaries, Find Peace” by Nedra Glover Tawwab

November 22, 2021 by Sonia Connolly Leave a Comment

Subtitle: a guide to reclaiming yourself

Recommended to me by: Renay at Lady Business

Nedra Glover Tawwab is a therapist and an Instagram influencer. Her book is a solid introduction to boundaries and how to use them in a variety of contexts. She defines boundaries as “expectations and needs that help you feel safe and comfortable in your relationships.”

Among many heterosexual examples, her vignettes include two lesbian couples, where one of the couples breaks up. Gender roles are reasonably varied. Race wasn’t signaled in the examples. The author is Black.

She briefly addresses microaggressions as boundary violations. The suggested solutions are to assertively call out the problem, for example, “I notice that you said, ‘I don’t sound Black.’ What does that mean?” And/or suggest more appropriate behavior, for example, a woman CEO who is called “bossy” could say that she is simply assertive and willing to lead.

Boundaries are great! Assertiveness is great! Implying that they can solve discrimination, and saying outright that we need to teach others how to treat us, is less great. I agree that it’s worth explicitly asking for what one needs before giving up on a relationship. At the same time, Ask vs. Guess culture is not discussed, where Guess culture imposes a social penalty for explicitly expressing boundaries and needs.

There is an extended example where one person in a relationship blames the other for “poor communication” where the actual problem is that the blamer is using manipulation and guilt-tripping. Again the solution is to call it out as guilt-tripping. Gaslighting, abuse, and inappropriate blame are mentioned, with the same appearance of neat solutions.

This book explicitly puts the responsibility for policing boundaries on the boundary-setter. As someone who bought into “Boundaries will fix everything!” many years ago and worked very hard at them, it’s painful to find that assumption woven through the book. While it is important to take action where we can, it is also important to take a step back when it doesn’t work, rather than endlessly trying harder. That balancing act is not as straightforward as this book makes it seem.

This is a clear, detailed, encouraging manual for learning about boundaries. Recommended if the idea of assertive boundaries is new to you. They can definitely improve difficult situations and clear up problems with over-commitment and hidden assumptions.

There is a forthcoming Set Boundaries Workbook.

Nedra Glover Tawwab’s website

Available at bookshop.org.

“disarming the narcissist” by Wendy T. Behary, LCSW

October 28, 2021 by Sonia Connolly 1 Comment

Subtitle: Surviving & Thriving with the Self-Absorbed

Wendy Behary specializes in psychotherapy for narcissists and their struggling family members. She can be firm and kind while not being overwhelmed by negative behaviors.

She suggests using “we” language (“Our common goals are…”), offering the benefit of the doubt (“I know you didn’t mean to be hurtful”), and still giving honest feedback (“and it’s hurtful when you interrupt and criticize me.”) If you want the narcissist to agree to something in a negotiation, preemptively give them credit for the idea.

She suggests: Plant seeds of more kind and considerate behavior by calmly mentioning what you expect many times and hoping it pays off years in the future. Offer a good example by being kind and considerate yourself. In my experience, narcissists aren’t paying attention, so the ongoing good example goes unnoticed or is taken for granted.

For the terrible self-doubt that narcissists’ oblivious certainty awakens, she suggests understanding your “schemas,” patterns and expectations from childhood. It gives a framework to recognize triggers, separate past from present, and offer gentle care for the hurt child within. She recommends understanding the schemas of the narcissist as well.

Wendy Behary collaborates with Jeffrey Young, who created Schema Therapy. His 18 schemas are:

Abandonment/instability
Mistrust/abuse
Emotional deprivation – lack of nurturance, empathy, protection
Defectiveness/shame
Social isolation/alienation
Dependence/incompetence
Vulnerability to harm or illness
Enmeshment/undeveloped self
Failure
Entitlement/grandiosity
Insufficient self-control/self-discipline
Subjugation of needs, emotions
Self-sacrifice
Approval-seeking/recognition-seeking
Negativity/pessimism
Emotional inhibition
Unrelenting standards/hypercriticalness – perfectionism, rules and shoulds, preoccupation with time and efficiency
Punitiveness

“Heal your childhood schemas. Don’t get triggered by the narcissist. Be sturdy and calm.” Sure, sounds great. Takes a little more than reading one book.

She often mentions seeing a therapist, but does not mention getting bodywork. There is a half-page section titled Somatic Experiencing that mentions body work and describes one Somatic Experiencing technique, without mentioning Peter Levine who originated that work.

She offers a mindfulness technique I liked: Feel your abdomen expand as you breathe in. On the next breath, feel your lungs expand. On the next breath feel the cool incoming air and warm outgoing air at your nostrils. Repeat. She adds paying attention to each of your senses as well.

She states several times during the book that if you are in danger, don’t try to reform the narcissist. Make a safety plan and work on getting out. The book is written for those who have decided to stay, at least for the moment, or are in the process of getting a divorce or co-parenting afterward.

She discusses hypersexual and perilous narcissists. The connection between what is usually called malignant narcissism and sexual acting out makes sense. However, the negative stereotypes about sex workers made this section hard to get through.

This is a thorough, knowledgeable book about how to live or work with a mild to moderate narcissist as an adult. It does not really address people who were raised by narcissists and can be emotionally difficult to read. Recommended if you need more tools to handle narcissists, and have already done enough healing to tolerate the slightly breezy tone about the healing process.

Available at bookshop.org.

“freeing the natural voice” by Kristin Linklater

September 12, 2021 by Sonia Connolly Leave a Comment

Subtitle: Imagery and art in the practice of voice and language

Recommended to me by: Nadia Tarnawsky

This book is aimed at actors, but also has useful information for singers, although the one aside about Bulgarian singing does not match what I have learned about that art. And that leads to my summary of the whole book, which is that it is very detailed and knowledgeable within its scope, but does not acknowledge lack of expertise in neighboring realms.

There are many exercises to get in touch with the anatomy of the breath and voice in the whole body, and to release inhibitions that get in the way of free breath and voice.

The only explanation offered for inhibitions is “The young child desperately wanted a cookie and was required to ask in a nice voice, so had to separate voice from emotion.” There is no mention of physical violence, sexual abuse, or neglect that would cause a person to separate voice and emotion.

There is no awareness that reconnection needs to go slowly, with support, and that “resistance” is a clear message to slow down even more. There is one brief mention half-way through the book about working with “light” emotions in the exercises because “dark” emotions might require more support. I wonder how many of the author’s students had overwhelming reactions to these exercises.

Similarly, there is no mention of physical injuries or disabilities that might get in the way of doing these exercises, and no offered accommodations or workarounds.

I appreciate the idea of inviting a sigh of relief, and then observing with the breath and voice do with that. Rather than trying to control the breath and voice, we can allow the body to respond to what we experience and want to express.

The book could benefit from anatomical drawings, since it is based in very specific and detailed anatomy that is only described in text. There are cartoon-like line drawings showing people doing some of the exercises.

Recommended for people interested in the details of embodied voice, with the above caveats.

Available at bookshop.org.

“Big Friendship” by Aminatou Sow and Ann Friedman

June 14, 2021 by Sonia Connolly Leave a Comment

Subtitle: How We Keep Each Other Close

Recommended to me by: Body Impolitic

Aminatou Sow and Ann Friedman name the difficulties of putting words to their friendship, and then as the professional writers they are, they go ahead and do it. I was worried that this book would be superficial or didactic, or both, but instead it is an engagingly told story with depth and detail, along with engagingly presented research into maintaining friendships.

They name Big Friendship, Shine Theory (invest in helping people shine rather than competing with them), and the friendweb they create together. They don’t shy away from discussing the hard parts of an interracial friendship.

They talk about stretching to maintain a friendship, and the difficulties of evaluating when stretch becomes strain, and what to do when the stretch feels unequal or too much.

They talk about Deborah Tannen’s term “complementary schismogenesis” (originally from Gregory Bateson) when two people get further and further apart as they try to model what they want from the other person, like one person talking louder and louder and the other talking quieter and quieter rather than asking the other person to speak up or speak more softly.

They reference For the White Person Who Wants to Know How to Be My Friend by Pat Parker.

Ultimately they went to couple’s counseling and learned to talk about their differences as well as the ways they are the same.

Highly recommended.

Available at bookshop.org.

“One Weird Trick” by Liz Jackson Hearns with Patrick Maddigan

May 26, 2021 by Sonia Connolly Leave a Comment

Subtitle: A User’s Guide to Transgender Voice

Recommended to me by: a trans client

“The goal of One Weird Trick is to help you find a voice that is natural and authentic and allows you to move through the world with confidence and ease.” The first thing the book admits is that there is no one trick, weird or otherwise, but instead a lot of understanding, awareness, and practice to change vocal habits. I would love to see this useful book issued under a title that does it justice rather than one that sounds like clickbait.

The book starts with the anatomy of vocal production and breathing. While it’s helpful to understand the anatomy, the level of detail and the small size of the anatomical drawings makes it feel arcane and overwhelming, even for someone who has looked at vocal anatomy before.

The rest of the book is much easier to follow, with a kind, matter-of-fact, thorough approach to changing one’s voice to express one’s desired gender presentation. The author is a singing teacher and relies on basic familiarity with western musical notation and concepts. There are brief explanations in the text.

Changing speaking pitch is covered in depth, as well as other factors that affect perceived gender of a voice: varying pitch or volume for emphasis, resonance and vocal placement, tongue placement for articulation, and body language and emotional expressivity.

There are detailed exercises and tips throughout the book, and then more exercises gathered at the end in “One Weird Workbook.”

If you want to change how you express gender through your voice and body language, this book is a great guide. It compresses a lot of useful material into a short book and has a list of references at the end for further study.

Available at bookshop.org.