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Curious, Healing

Curious, Healing

Books about healing, business, and fun

  • About Sonia Connolly

memoir

“How to Get From Where You Are to Where You Want To Be” by Cheri Huber

March 4, 2010 by Sonia Connolly 3 Comments

In connection with reading Being Bodies, I tracked down this book. It turns out I’d read it a long time ago and remembered many of the stories, although I’d forgotten their source.

Cheri Huber herself admits that the title is a bit of a trick. Rather than trying to move from Here to There, she advocates giving careful attention to Here, since that’s all there ever is.

She shares harrowing vignettes from her own life with a “that’s just how it is” tone. Her quest for meaning and peace led her to Zen meditation, where she encountered the simple instructions to sit in full lotus and count breaths up to 10, and then begin again.

Desperate for change, she sat in full lotus for hours, and counted breaths no matter what she was doing. After counting breaths during a 10-hour drive, she finally encountered the peace of the present moment. In time, she joined a Zen monastery, started teaching, and went on to found her own Zen center.

Woven with her own journey, she introduces gentle steps for becoming aware of social conditioning and self-hatred, and easing the grip of the resistance they cause. After each exercise, she implores “Please do not allow conditioning to use your awareness against you.”

For example, she introduces meditation by suggesting: Take three full breaths. What did you notice? Do it again. There, you’re meditating! I follow these non-instructions in my own meditation practice. Fortunately, full lotus position is optional!

She summarizes the steps for true, gentle change:

  1. Choose an issue you want to work with.
  2. Sit down, stay still, and be aware of all that goes on.
  3. Notice what belief systems are held in place with this issue.
  4. Notice which subpersonalities [and/or defense mechanisms] are involved.
  5. Listen to what the [internal judging] voices have to say about the issue about who you are for having it.
  6. Become aware of the projections made onto yourself and others because of this issue.
  7. Explore the emotions that keep this issue real.
  8. Find out where the issue is held in your body – where is the epicenter?
  9. Practice disidentifying by moving your focus of attention away from the issue and returning it to the breath.
  10. Remember to do this – and everything you do – in a context of compassionate acceptance of all that is.

She shares stories from her students’ journeys as well. One man at a Zen retreat became angry about a dirty mop bucket left on the steps, and each day muttered to himself, “Someone should do something about that!” Finally he realized that he was “someone” and cleaned the bucket.

This book is full of treasures. I recommend it to anyone looking for compassionate suggestions about how to find center and self-acceptance.

Available at bookshop.org.

Filed Under: nonfiction Tagged With: healing, memoir, psychology, spirituality

“When Food is Love” by Geneen Roth

February 11, 2010 by Sonia Connolly 1 Comment

Recommended to me by: a client.

Geneen Roth has written several books about overcoming compulsive eating by removing external rules around food and listening to one’s own body instead. She also talks about the source of compulsive eating – not an internal lack of control, but a survival strategy to overcome the lack of external control in childhood.

In this book, she talks about her own history with intimacy, and the connections between how we treat food, and how we treat emotional connections in our lives. She reveals the neglect and emotional and physical abuse of her childhood, and shares stories from her “Breaking Free” workshops as well.

If you deeply explore one area of life, you will find the answers to every area. What you learn as you break free from your obsession with food is what you need to learn about intimacy:

Commit yourself.
Tell the truth.
Trust yourself.
Pain ends and so does everything else.
Laugh easily.
Cry easily.
Have patience.
Be willing to be vulnerable.
When you notice that you are clinging to anything and it’s causing trouble, drop it.
Be willing to fail.
Don’t let fear stop you from leaping into the unknown, or from sitting in dark silence.
Remember that everything gets lost, stolen, ruined, worn out, or broken; bodies sag and wrinkle; everyone suffers; and everyone dies.
No act of love is ever wasted.

The book is full of vivid metaphors and urgent truths. It is a call to turn inside, face one’s demons with gentleness and compassion, and find freedom.

Available at bookshop.org.

Filed Under: nonfiction Tagged With: childhood abuse, healing, health at any size, memoir, psychology, survival story

“Beck House” by Janie Hopwood

January 20, 2010 by Sonia Connolly 4 Comments

Recommended to me by: a friend in Tifton, GA.

Janie Hopwood creates a colorful panorama of characters and events in this historical novel about her grandmother Rena Beck’s boarding house.

When Rena Beck’s husband died, leaving her a house but nothing else, she decided to take in boarders in order to provide for herself and her three unmarried daughters. With courage, perseverance, help from family members, and a lot of hard work, she built a successful business which operated for many years.

I recommend this book for historical details, depth of characterization, laugh-out-loud dialogue, and a sure touch with stories about hard times.

The book is self-published through Indigo Publishing, and this article is all I found online. You’ll need connections in Tifton to get a copy.

Update: Now Available at bookshop.org.

Filed Under: fiction Tagged With: fun, memoir, survival story

“Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers” by Karyl McBride

October 25, 2009 by Sonia Connolly Leave a Comment

A mix of personal memoir, client stories, and self-help advice, this book compassionately details the effects of having a narcissistic mother and shows a pathway for healing.

Narcissism – extreme self-absorbtion and inability to empathize with others – occurs on a spectrum from a few narcissistic traits to full-blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Women with these traits compete with, control, or ignore their children rather than providing unconditional mirroring and acceptance.

Their children grow up questioning their very right to existence, either piling up achievements to become “good enough”, or hiding from their pain in drugs, alcohol, and acting out.

“A daughter who doesn’t receive validation from her earliest relationship with her mother learns that she has no significance in the world and her efforts have no effect. She tries her hardest to make a genuine connection with Mom, but fails, and thinks that the problem of rarely being able to please her mother lies within herself. This teaches the daugther that she is unworthy of love.”

McBride gives three steps for recovery:

  1. Understanding and diagnosing the problem
  2. Processing the grief and other feelings from childhood
  3. Discovering true preferences, values, and ways of being.

I recommend this calm, thorough, and encouraging book to anyone who finds herself struggling to prove that she is good enough to be seen, honored, and valued.

Available at bookshop.org.

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: childhood abuse, healing, memoir, psychology

“The Wise Heart – A Guide to the Universal Teachings of Buddhist Psychology” by Jack Kornfield

August 5, 2009 by Sonia Connolly 2 Comments

Jack Kornfield, an experienced American meditation teacher, combines Buddhist philosophy, meditation exercises, and stories about his students and himself into a thorough introduction to Buddhist psychology.

The Buddhist therapeutic techniques for resolving trauma are strikingly similar to Somatic Experiencing techniques. One comes from self-observation, and one comes from observation of other animals. Perhaps it’s unsurprising that they have converged on a similar set of gentle, effective techniques.

I had a lot of reactions while reading the 400 pages of this book. Interest in people’s experiences with meditation and transformation. Boredom with the more esoteric details about Buddhism. Self-judgment about my own meditation experiences. Longing for the support of a meditative community. Relief when reading about self-acceptance.

One section describes the three personality types that cause suffering: grasping, aversive, and deluded. We all have elements of these types, and may lean strongly toward one of them. Fortunately, awareness and acceptance can mitigate the suffering they cause, and even bring positive benefits.

I felt defensive about recognizing the aversive type in myself. Yeah, okay, so I have a strong judgmental voice. At the same time, it’s a relief to realize that lots of people struggle with this. It’s normal, acceptable. The positive side of aversion is discernment.

I recommend this book if you’re interested in a warm, accessible, occasionally dry introduction to Buddhist thought. It can be fascinating to observe your reactions as you read!

Available at bookshop.org.

Filed Under: nonfiction Tagged With: memoir, psychology, spirituality

“What Should I Do with My Life?” by Po Bronson

June 2, 2009 by Sonia Connolly Leave a Comment

Po Bronson sought out hundreds of people’s true stories about answering the question, “What should I do with my life?” He tells 55 of these stories in detail, loosely organized by the issues they were confronting.

I was drawn in by each person’s richly described story, as well as by the underlying story of Po Bronson’s own journey. Rather than providing answers, the book provides a glimpse of how each person approached the question and the process.

From the conclusion:

“Now I know passion is rooted in deeply-felt experiences […] Now I think the choice is in whether to be honest, to ourselves and others, and the rest is more of an uncovering, a peeling away of layers, discovering talents we assumed we didn’t have.”

An enjoyable read, recommended to anyone who is interested in authenticity, transformation, and living well.

Sample chapters at Po Bronson’s website.

Available at bookshop.org.

Filed Under: nonfiction Tagged With: memoir, psychology

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