psychology

“The Body Keeps the Score” by Bessel van der Kolk

March 7, 2016 by Sonia Connolly Leave a Comment

Subtitle: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma

This book is intense to read. I dipped in and out, wanting to read it, but not wanting to get overwhelmed with the dramatic abuse stories that are included. There is a lot of great research on trauma here, lucidly and understandably presented. I was happy to notice that I already knew about most of it, partly because I took a two day seminar with Bessel van der Kolk a few years ago.

The one treatment that was new to me was Albert Pesso’s and Diane Boyden-Pesso’s psychomotor therapy with “structures”, where one person, the protagonist, places other people from the group in a 3-D representation of their internal landscape. It’s reparative, including ideal parents as well as parents as they actually were. The therapist makes witnessing statements and carefully tracks the physical and emotional reactions of the protagonist, helping them feel safe and seen. Pesso Boyden System Psychomotor Therapy

This book talks about the most extreme effects of trauma. Adults who can’t feel their bodies at all. Kids who act out and get treatment rather than quietly going to school. It also talks about intensive interventions by skilled practitioners. It feels both daunting and tantalizing.

At the same time, it’s reassuring in a sense. If I don’t have all those dramatic symptoms, maybe I’m doing something right all this time.

I had Opinions about some of van der Kolk’s statements. His organization focuses on treating traumatized children, because that gives them the most leverage. On the one hand, yes, that makes sense. On the other hand, way to tell a whole lot of traumatized adults that we don’t matter – again. My sense is that both are equally important, even from a leverage point of view. Those healing children need healing adults around them.

He also thinks research is more important than “deep, subjective resonance.” Yes, research is important, and I’m glad he’s doing it. At the same time, my body says deep subjective resonance is more important for healing.

Recommended as an overview of current scientific thinking on trauma mechanisms and healing.

Available at bookshop.org.

“I Love You But I Don’t Trust You” by Mira Kirshenbaum

March 5, 2016 by Sonia Connolly Leave a Comment

Subtitle: The Complete Guide to Restoring Trust in Your Relationship

This book really is what it says on the tin. Mira Kirshenbaum is a couple’s therapist who shares both her own and clients’ stories to illustrate the stages of responding to betrayal and rebuilding trust.

How to evaluate whether the relationship is worth investing in
How to manage the anger which is a natural response to betrayal
The need for evidence that the betrayer cares
The need for the betrayer to see the situation from the betrayed person’s point of view.
Reconnecting with the good aspects of the relationship
Discuss root causes without (hearing) blame
Discuss needs and how to meet them
The (eventual) decision to forgive

The book is compassionate to both sides. Yes, big mistakes happen. They are sometimes not forgivable. The betrayed person naturally feels a strong need to re-establish safety, and may not use the most skilled techniques to achieve that.

There are no “shoulds” about leaving or staying. While the book naturally focuses on relationships that are worth rebuilding, there are also clear call-outs for danger signs, such as people who are power-seeking for its own sake, or people who are suspicious for its own sake, or relationships that don’t have enough good in them to be worth the work.

Small ongoing betrayals such as unreliability are addressed, as well as big betrayals like affairs or squandering shared money. Ongoing power imbalances can also be a source of mistrust. There is an in-depth discussion of differences in being open or hidden causing mistrust.

I winced at the section title, “Sleeping in a Nazi’s bed.” As a grandchild of Holocaust survivors, I am emphatically not a fan of metaphorical Nazis. But the author meant real Nazis! Her mother was a German Jew who survived the Holocaust, and brought her safely out of Germany afterward. When she went back to Germany to visit as a young adult, a sudden illness caused her to accept the hospitality of kind strangers who were admittedly Nazis during the war. She talks about how trust can make sense, even though we have reason to be mistrustful.

Sadly, all the couples in this book are heterosexual, and there’s no indication they’re anything other than white. And it was published in 2012! On the positive side, the men and women are depicted as having a variety of frailties and strengths, and a variety of relationships together.

Recommended for a better understanding of trust, betrayal, and relationship dynamics.

Available at bookshop.org.

“In Quest of the Mythical Mate” by Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson

February 18, 2016 by Sonia Connolly Leave a Comment

Subtitle: A Developmental Approach to Diagnosis and Treatment in Couples Therapy

Recommended to me by: Robyn Posin

This is a carefully crafted book about effective, compassionate couples therapy, including a clear theoretical framework and practical suggestions for diagnosis and treatment. I’m guessing the title was created by a marketing department, because it doesn’t fit the book at all (to my relief).

Their framework is that relationships go through stages just as children do. The stages are named symbiotic (we are so alike), differentiating (how do we work out differences), practicing (turning outward independently), and rapprochement (turning back toward the relationship). The members of a couple can be at different stages, for example symbiotic-differentiating, or symbiotic-practicing. All the stages are important and valuable. The symbiotic stage is expected and helps create a strong foundation for the relationship.

Diagnosis is made through talking with the couple, questionnaires about problems and goals, and through a “paper exercise” – giving a couple a blank piece of paper and telling them, “This represents something very important to each of you. You have 5 minutes to work out who will get to hold it.”

There are a lot of case histories, including one lesbian couple and one couple with a woman of Japanese ancestry. I would have liked to see more diversity, although I suppose this isn’t bad for a book from the 80’s.

The therapists are perceptive, compassionate, and direct. They name inappropriate behavior, and teach their clients healthier alternatives.

Recommended for people interested in couple dynamics and effective therapy.

Available at bookshop.org.

“Crash Course” by Diane Poole Heller, PhD

February 6, 2016 by Sonia Connolly 1 Comment

Subtitle: A self-healing guide to auto accident trauma & recovery

Recommended to me by: watching Diane Poole Heller’s teaching videos

This is a practical, easy to follow introduction to Somatic Experiencing as it applies to car crashes, with lots of vignettes and gentle exercises. It focuses on bringing in resources and supporting the body to resolve and release trauma. The tone is reassuring and friendly, and normalizes the symptoms and reactions that can result from a car crash.

For example, when did you first realize you were safe? What help did you receive, or what help do you want to bring in now? Even though we can’t change the original event, imagining different scenarios allows the body to release and complete reactions.

Highly recommended.

Available at bookshop.org.

“Rising Strong” by Brene Brown

December 7, 2015 by Sonia Connolly 1 Comment

Subtitle: The Reckoning. The Rumble. The Revolution.
Additional subtitle: If we are brave enough, often enough, we will fall. This is a book about what it takes to get back up.

Recommended to me by: reading Brene Brown’s other books

This book covers a lot of ground I care about – how to recover from failure, how to deal with shame when it gets triggered, how to meet life’s rough spots in an authentic, integrated way. Brene Brown’s catchy phrases and metaphors and TLAs (Three Letter Acronyms) probably help a lot of people and are an authentic expression of her style, and at the same time they aren’t a good fit for me. I felt like I was reading around them to get to the great ideas in the book.

Vulnerability is the only path to more love, belonging, and joy – and it also leads to humiliating falls, failures, and heartbreak.

There is no one way to rise after falling. We each have to feel our way. No one can do it for us, and no one can do it without outside input. (She says without connection. As hard as it is to do without connection, something in me says that’s not a hard and fast rule. Then she says spirituality is required, and spirituality is about connection. So maybe there’s something there.)

We’re wired for story. Questioning and changing our assumptions is a big part of rising after a fall.

We can’t skip the messy middle of the process, where it’s too late to back out, but we can’t yet see your way forward. (This was the bit that rang the most true for me, and yet I hadn’t realized was an intrinsic part of the process. It’s comforting, in a way, to know that. At least I’m lost in good company, and probably going the right way after all.)

The process applies to major life crises, and to individual confrontations, and to both professional and personal life.

The Reckoning: Walking into our story
Recognize emotion, and get curious about our feelings and how they connect with the way we think and behave.

The Rumble: Owning our story
Get honest about the stories we’re making up about our struggle, then challenge these confabulations and assumptions to determine what’s truth, what’s self-protection, and what needs to change if we want to lead more wholehearted lives.

The Revolution
Write a new ending to our story based on the key learnings from our rumble and use this new, braver story to change how we engage with the world.

Ways to avoid emotion/hurt/pain – blame, lashing out, avoidance, numbing, addiction.

Owning the story: “The story I’m making up is…” Writing for 15 minutes can help us find out what our story is.

Living “BIG” – boundaries, integrity, and generosity. Believing that people are doing the best they can (even when they violate our boundaries).

“In order for forgiveness to happen, something has to die. If you make a choice to forgive, you have to face into the pain. You simply have to hurt.” Forgiveness arises out of grief for an ending.

Asking for help might be a lot harder than being the one who has it all together to offer help.

Trust includes: boundaries, reliability, accountability, respecting confidences, integrity, nonjudgment, generosity. Self-trust has these elements, too, and is often a casualty of failure.

Hope is a thought process of goals, pathways and agency. (This does not match my experience at all, or we’re talking about two different things. To me, hope is something completely ungovernable, wordless, primal.)

Recommended! There’s lots of food for thought here.

Available at bookshop.org.

“Childhood Disrupted” by Donna Jackson Nakazawa

November 27, 2015 by Sonia Connolly 1 Comment

Subtitle: How Your Biography Becomes Your Biology, and How You Can Heal

Recommended to me by: a friend

Science journalist Donna Jackson Nakazawa carefully researches and clearly describes how Chronic Unpredictable Toxic Stress changes the growing brain of a child, pruning neurons and stunting growth in some areas. Because the toxic stress is unpredictable, the fight or flight response remains activated, bathing the body in an ongoing soup of inflammatory chemicals. She covers research that says girls’ brains are more susceptible, although I suspect correlation rather than causation at work there.

Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) are linked as strongly with later auto-immune diseases and other health issues as smoking is linked with cancer, or unprotected sex is linked with pregnancy. Here is the original ACE study. You can go ahead and take the 10-question ACE questionnaire. There is also a resilience questionnaire with some factors that can shield a child from the negative effects of chronic unpredictable toxic stress.

The book contains many people’s stories, and some suggestions for healing as well. Fortunately the brain is plastic, and at least some of the negative effects can be reversed.

The briefly covered suggestions for healing are: take the ACE questionnaire and resilience questionnaire, write to heal, draw it, mindfulness meditation, tai chi and qigong, mindsight (self-awareness/empathy/integration), loving-kindness, forgiveness, mending the body/moving the body (yoga, trauma release exercises, bodywork), managing the mind through the gut, and only connect (supportive relationships).

Professional help is also recommended, with therapy, somatic experiencing, guided imagery and hypnosis, neurofeedback, and EMDR.

For parents who want to protect and help their children as best they can, suggestions include: manage your own “baggage”, look into your child’s eyes, validate and normalize their experience, apologize as needed, amplify the good feelings, name emotions, hug them, have safe and open conversations about what’s happening, bring more safe adults into their lives, teach them mindfulness.

Highly recommended book! The section on trauma’s specific effects was depressingly long, and had a lot of sense of inevitability in it. The “how to heal” section was shorter and less specific. I was both reassured and disappointed to see that I’m doing a lot of the recommendations already. Being on the right track is good, and I guess there’s no magic wand to speed up the process.

Available at bookshop.org.