healing

“My Grandfather’s Blessings” by Rachel Naomi Remen, M.D.

September 16, 2019 by Sonia Connolly Leave a Comment

Subtitle: Stories of Strength, Refuge, and Belonging

Recommended to me by: Robyn Posin

Rachel Naomi Remen writes about wisdom, meaning, connection, grief, compassion, and how to live with authenticity in a series of vignettes from her life and the lives of her patients. She works with people dying of cancer, and their grieving survivors. Some stories are about her childhood conversations with her Orthodox Rabbi grandfather, a wise and gentle man. Some are about her own struggle with Crohn’s disease. She was a pioneer in medical school and in practice as a woman and someone living with chronic illness. She was a pioneer again talking about the mind/body connection and the need for healing rather than (or in addition to) curing people.

Many of the stories touched something in me and made me cry, perhaps out of longing for the kinds of connection and meaning she describes. I like that she says service is between equals, people recognizing and supporting the wholeness in each other, as opposed to helping or fixing, which requires one person to be less than another.

Recommended as a dose of wisdom and hope.

Available at bookshop.org.

“To Become the Sun” by Ani Rose Whaleswan

July 30, 2019 by Sonia Connolly Leave a Comment

Subtitle: Natural, Living Metaphors for Truama, Healing and Spirit

Recommended to me by: Ani Rose Whaleswan. I’ve known the author for a long time online, and I contributed an essay to her collection We Have Come Far.

A lyrical, grounded, wise, hopeful book that shares Ani Rose Whaleswan’s connection to nature and positive metaphors for healing.

Each chapter explores a metaphor in depth and ends with questions to think about and a note about non-violence. The metaphors are: Mountain, Pearl, Unfolding Flowers, Stones, Compost, Hummingbird, Wave, Embers, and Shadow. The book is about healing rather than trauma, and while it discusses some of the effects of trauma, it does not have explicit traumatic material.

There are also a lot of quotes and references to other wise people’s work, including one of my favorites from Zora Neale Hurston’s “Their Eyes Were Watching God” (see below). Unfortunately the quote is (presumably accidentally) misattributed to a white man. The book is double spaced and has not been professionally edited.

Highly recommended for new ways to think about the process of healing from profound trauma.

I first encountered this quote on the English AP exam and loved it so much I made sure to remember the author and title to find it later, even in the middle of taking the exam.

When god had made (the man) he made him all out of stuff that sung all the time and glittered all over. Some angels got jealous and chopped him into a million pieces, but still he glittered and hummed. So they beat him down to nothing but sparks but each little spark had a shine and a song. So they covered each one with mud. And the lonesomeness in the sparks made them hunt for one another.—Zora Neale Hurston, “Their Eyes Were Watching God”

Available at Amazon.

“Turn This World Inside Out” by Nora Samaran

July 2, 2019 by Sonia Connolly Leave a Comment

Subtitle: The Emergence of Nurturance Culture

Recommended to me by: Nora Samaran’s online essay The Opposite of Rape Culture is Nurturance Culture

This book contains three of Nora Samaran’s powerful essays (also available on her blog) and dialogues with other writers that expand on the themes of nurturance, attachment, shame, gaslighting, gendered violence, and repairing harm.

It is a short book that can be read quickly, and at the same time there are a lot of chewy ideas to take in over time. There are also references to more reading on these topics by people who are one or more of trans, Indigenous, and Black who have developed skills of sustainable, relational living. The book holds the question: how do we best move forward from and heal from white supremacy, colonialism, capitalism, and patriarchy.

What would it be like to live in a culture where we all could be socially embraced in this way, where we could speak up about harm, could say not to it, without fear, because we know without question that no one in our community will dehumanize another?

I admire Nora Samaran’s insights, and I long for the kinds of communities and relationships she describes. This book brings in more voices to deepen and expand the conversation. Highly recommended.

Available at bookshop.org.

“Running on Empty” by Jonice Webb, PhD

April 16, 2019 by Sonia Connolly 1 Comment

Subtitle: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect

Emotional neglect is the whitespace between parental actions, what didn’t happen rather than what did happen. Lack of emotional connection, not paying attention, and not responding competently to the child’s emotional needs. The parent sees the child as an extension of themselves, a possession, or a burden, rather than a separate person.

The book describes twelve kinds of emotionally neglectful parents, with brief vignettes. The twelfth kind is the most common, “Well Meaning But Emotionally Neglected Themselves” parents.

Some effects of emotional neglect:

Some effects of emotional neglect are

Feelings of Emptiness
Counter-dependence (not depending on anyone)
Unrealistic Self-Appraisal (not being mirrored by parents, lack of self-understanding)
No Compassion for Self, Plenty for Others
Guilt and Shame; What is Wrong with Me?
Self-Directed Anger, Self-Blame
The Fatal Flaw (If People Really Know Me They Won’t Like Me)
Difficulty Nurturing Self and Others
Poor Self-Discipline
Alexithymia: Poor Awareness and Understanding of Emotions

There is also a brief, respectful chapter on suicidal feelings.

The second part of the book is “Filling the Tank.” It starts by talking about how change happens, gradually, with some setbacks, requiring ongoing persistence to move through avoidance and discomfort.

The sections on how to fill in missing parenting by acquiring new habits are trying to be helpful, but they feel glib and superficial. “Keep practicing these skills you never learned, you’ll get there eventually!” Topics include boundaries, emotional fluency, self-care, diet and exercise, and kind self-talk.

In the brief section on relationships, there is a useful tip on horizontal and vertical questioning. Horizontal questions ask for information and can be answered quickly. Vertical questions ask the person to turn inward to find and share understanding.

The chapter on parenting encourages stepping away from guilt and filling up yourself to be able to fill up your child.

The final chapter, for therapists, felt more helpful. Here is how to really help someone who was emotionally neglected, by providing what they missed out on, rather than the previous chapters that seem to say, “Figure this out for yourself.”

It is important to name and recognize Emotional Neglect in ourselves and others. The ideas in this book are groundbreaking and crucial. The self-help format does not quite work, but it is still worth reading. It reminds me of The Emotionally Absent Mother by Jasmin Lee Cori, which covers related ground with more focus on understanding what was missing and less focus on self-help.

Available at bookshop.org.

“shadow daughter” by harriet brown

March 23, 2019 by Sonia Connolly Leave a Comment

Subtitle: A Memoir of Estrangement

Recommended to me by: Body Impolitic

A powerful, lyrical book about Harriet Brown’s complicated relationship with her difficult mother, including estrangement, and about family estrangement in general. She describes her ambivalence and self-blame in the face of anecdotes demonstrating dramatic emotional abuse, as well as the long process of naming her own truth.

The book also covers estrangement in general, both the pressures against it and the reasons for it. She interviews and quotes from other people who have gone through estrangement, and researchers into the topic.

She brings in estranged parent forums with both clarity about their self-deception and defensiveness, and empathy as well. There is a sense of bending over backwards to be fair.

The lower case title and author name on the cover make me sad on Harriet Brown’s behalf. I wonder if they were her choice, or a marketer’s design.

I am fascinated by the way Harriet Brown continues to put a lot of effort into family relationships, despite the ruptures and judgements stemming from her estrangement with her mother. She skillfully navigates those tricky waters.

I read the book cover to cover in an evening. Highly recommended if you have had to walk away or strongly limit an important family relationship, or if you want to understand that process better.

More stories by Harriet Brown on her website.

Available at bookshop.org.

“It’s Ok that You’re Not Ok” by Megan Devine

February 19, 2019 by Sonia Connolly 3 Comments

Subtitle: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn’t Understand

Recommended to me by: Robyn Posin

The way our culture deals with grief is vastly broken. We treat it as a problem to be solved rather than as an experience to be carried. We shame grieving people for not doing the process “right” (what does that even mean) rather than listening to and accompanying them. We spout platitudes like, “It’s all for the best,” to separate ourselves from the reality of loss.

Megan Devine shares about her own catastrophic grief at the accidental death of her husband at age 40, and offers support for others going through grief.

Pain is a healthy, normal response when someone you love is torn from your life. It hurts, but that doesn’t make pain wrong.

Suffering comes when we feel dismissed or unsupported in our pain, and when we thrash around inside our pain, questioning our choices, our “normalcy,” our actions and reactions.

She advises experimenting to see what helps even a tiny bit in the depths of grief. What lets you feel companioned in your pain. What lessens the suffering. What supports wellness and avoids “worseness.” What are your internal signals of overwhelm, and what to do about it.

She addresses how (and why) to stay alive, physical and mental effects of grief, how to manage anxiety, and why to make some kind of art to express your grief. Advice to supporters is: listen. Don’t try to fix, minimize, or put the focus on yourself. Listen.

The last section of the book addresses how to handle would-be supporters’ missteps, and how to help them be more helpful.

The word trauma is only mentioned once in the book, even though it focuses on traumatic sudden losses. I wonder how much the combination of trauma and grief can be eased with trauma healing techniques.

Highly recommended to anyone who has been knocked down by grief, or had a friend knocked down by grief. (That’s just about everyone.)

Megan Devine blogs and runs online Writing Your Grief support groups at her website, Refuge in Grief.

Available at bookshop.org.