psychology

“Running on Empty” by Jonice Webb, PhD

April 16, 2019 by Sonia Connolly 1 Comment

Subtitle: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect

Emotional neglect is the whitespace between parental actions, what didn’t happen rather than what did happen. Lack of emotional connection, not paying attention, and not responding competently to the child’s emotional needs. The parent sees the child as an extension of themselves, a possession, or a burden, rather than a separate person.

The book describes twelve kinds of emotionally neglectful parents, with brief vignettes. The twelfth kind is the most common, “Well Meaning But Emotionally Neglected Themselves” parents.

Some effects of emotional neglect:

Some effects of emotional neglect are

Feelings of Emptiness
Counter-dependence (not depending on anyone)
Unrealistic Self-Appraisal (not being mirrored by parents, lack of self-understanding)
No Compassion for Self, Plenty for Others
Guilt and Shame; What is Wrong with Me?
Self-Directed Anger, Self-Blame
The Fatal Flaw (If People Really Know Me They Won’t Like Me)
Difficulty Nurturing Self and Others
Poor Self-Discipline
Alexithymia: Poor Awareness and Understanding of Emotions

There is also a brief, respectful chapter on suicidal feelings.

The second part of the book is “Filling the Tank.” It starts by talking about how change happens, gradually, with some setbacks, requiring ongoing persistence to move through avoidance and discomfort.

The sections on how to fill in missing parenting by acquiring new habits are trying to be helpful, but they feel glib and superficial. “Keep practicing these skills you never learned, you’ll get there eventually!” Topics include boundaries, emotional fluency, self-care, diet and exercise, and kind self-talk.

In the brief section on relationships, there is a useful tip on horizontal and vertical questioning. Horizontal questions ask for information and can be answered quickly. Vertical questions ask the person to turn inward to find and share understanding.

The chapter on parenting encourages stepping away from guilt and filling up yourself to be able to fill up your child.

The final chapter, for therapists, felt more helpful. Here is how to really help someone who was emotionally neglected, by providing what they missed out on, rather than the previous chapters that seem to say, “Figure this out for yourself.”

It is important to name and recognize Emotional Neglect in ourselves and others. The ideas in this book are groundbreaking and crucial. The self-help format does not quite work, but it is still worth reading. It reminds me of The Emotionally Absent Mother by Jasmin Lee Cori, which covers related ground with more focus on understanding what was missing and less focus on self-help.

Available at bookshop.org.

“Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist” by Margalis Fjelstad, Phd

March 23, 2019 by Sonia Connolly Leave a Comment

Subtitle: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life

Recommended to me by: a client

A clear analysis and set of tools for bringing your energy back to yourself when you have been wrapped up in caretaking someone who is volatile and focused on themselves. In the book, persistently difficult people are labeled as narcissists or borderlines, or BP/NP for short. I have hesitations about casually throwing around psychological diagnoses and prefer to focus on problematic behaviors, such as the inability to see others’ point of view.

Accept that the difficult person will not suddenly become empathic and considerate. Move out of the drama triangle (persecutor, rescuer, victim) into the caring triangle (assertiveness and doing, caring and choice, acceptance and self-responsibility). I like having a clear alternative to the drama triangle. Practice saying no, disengaging from arguments, and saying what you want. Take concrete actions to make your life better, possibly including ending or severely curtailing the relationship.

Recommended for anyone fed up with the caretaker role in relationships with persistently difficult people.

Available at bookshop.org.

“It’s Ok that You’re Not Ok” by Megan Devine

February 19, 2019 by Sonia Connolly 3 Comments

Subtitle: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn’t Understand

Recommended to me by: Robyn Posin

The way our culture deals with grief is vastly broken. We treat it as a problem to be solved rather than as an experience to be carried. We shame grieving people for not doing the process “right” (what does that even mean) rather than listening to and accompanying them. We spout platitudes like, “It’s all for the best,” to separate ourselves from the reality of loss.

Megan Devine shares about her own catastrophic grief at the accidental death of her husband at age 40, and offers support for others going through grief.

Pain is a healthy, normal response when someone you love is torn from your life. It hurts, but that doesn’t make pain wrong.

Suffering comes when we feel dismissed or unsupported in our pain, and when we thrash around inside our pain, questioning our choices, our “normalcy,” our actions and reactions.

She advises experimenting to see what helps even a tiny bit in the depths of grief. What lets you feel companioned in your pain. What lessens the suffering. What supports wellness and avoids “worseness.” What are your internal signals of overwhelm, and what to do about it.

She addresses how (and why) to stay alive, physical and mental effects of grief, how to manage anxiety, and why to make some kind of art to express your grief. Advice to supporters is: listen. Don’t try to fix, minimize, or put the focus on yourself. Listen.

The last section of the book addresses how to handle would-be supporters’ missteps, and how to help them be more helpful.

The word trauma is only mentioned once in the book, even though it focuses on traumatic sudden losses. I wonder how much the combination of trauma and grief can be eased with trauma healing techniques.

Highly recommended to anyone who has been knocked down by grief, or had a friend knocked down by grief. (That’s just about everyone.)

Megan Devine blogs and runs online Writing Your Grief support groups at her website, Refuge in Grief.

Available at bookshop.org.

“Tear Soup” by Pat Schwiebert and Chuck DeKlyen, illustrated by Taylor Bills

January 7, 2019 by Sonia Connolly 1 Comment

Subtitle: A Recipe for Healing After Loss

Grandy, a “somewhat wise” grandmother with a long silver braid, has suffered a big loss. In gorgeous detailed illustrations we see her making tear soup with her tears, memories, and time. She grieves alone and with friends. She gives it all the time it needs, far longer than some people think it should take. Eventually she’s ready to put her soup in the freezer and only eat it occasionally.

A loving, compassionate look at grieving big losses in children’s book format, but appropriate for any age. Highly recommended.

Grief Watch website has more books, and a free download of the “cooking tips” and “recipe” from the back of this book.

Available at bookshop.org.

“The Educated Heart” by Nina McIntosh

November 24, 2018 by Sonia Connolly 1 Comment

Subtitle: Professional Guidelines for Massage Therapists, Bodyworkers, and Movement Teachers

Recommended to me by: Ethics and Boundaries class in massage school

I re-read this book because I’m planning to write about dual relationships. Nina McIntosh writes lucidly about the need for clear boundaries as a bodyworker.

The book is filled with guidelines and anecdotes from her own practice and from extensive research and interviews with other bodyworkers. “Being professional is an educated way of being kind.” A strong framework around scheduling and fees helps clients feel safer and keeps practices running more smoothly. Attention to the daily small ethical and boundary decisions helps avoid big disasters.

Highly recommended for practitioners who use touch, and for clients who want to better understand their responses to different practitioners. This book is dear to my heart and had a big influence on how I run my practice.

This blog post by Laura Allen talks about meeting Nina McIntosh, and sadly, about her death from ALS in 2010. Laura Allen put out a 4th edition of “The Educated Heart” in 2017.

Available from biblio.com.

“Nurturing Resilience” by Kathy L. Kain and Stephen J. Terrell

October 27, 2018 by Sonia Connolly 1 Comment

Subtitle: Helping Clients Move Forward from Developmental Trauma, An Integrative Somatic Approach

Recommended to me by: Taking a class from Kathy Kain

I took a 3 day class from Kathy Kain last year and learned techniques that I use every day in my practice, so I was excited about this book. It turned out to be dry to read and only talked about a couple of techniques at the end, which I had already learned in the class. On the positive side, the extensive client examples include gay parents and genderqueer clients.

The first part introduces attachment, polyvagal theory, and neurological development. Interoception is perception of our internal state. Exteroception is perception of the external environment through vision, hearing, touch, etc. Neuroception is the perception of safety and threat. Interactions with parents and other caregivers help an infant make sense of incoming stimuli and assess safety vs. threat. Without playful and caring interactions, the infant develops a strong sense of what is a threat, but does not develop a sense of what feels safe.

They discuss the ACE study and the health effects of early trauma. The Window of Tolerance is the nervous system’s comfortable, functional, social state. Threats result in hyperarousal (fight or flight) and hypoarousal (freeze, immobility). Someone with a dysregulated nervous system has a very small window of tolerance. They may have a faux window of tolerance, where they manage to function despite being under physiological stress.

The second half of the book more directly discusses clinician interventions for clients with developmental trauma. The emphasis is on teaching the nervous system how to stay more regulated, and to offer co-regulation, where the client’s nervous system is steadied by the clinician’s regulation. The authors emphasize that developmental trauma is largely non-verbal, patterned in the body, so interventions need to address the body directly.

Interventions they discuss: gentle touch on the kidney area of the lower back, and helping the client practice noticing same/different around their triggers.

Recommended if you want a lot of information about developmental trauma, and don’t mind a somewhat uneven presentation.

Available at bookshop.org.