Curious, Healing

Books about healing, business, and fun

psychology

“Focusing in Clinical Practice” by Ann Weiser Cornell

by Leave a Comment

Subtitle: The Essence of Change

Recommended to me by: Ann Weiser Cornell’s other books

As a bodyworker who integrated Focusing into my work, it seems that I would be the perfect reader for this book. It contained useful bits of information about Focusing, but my primary experience while reading it was a sense of exclusion.

When I try to put that sense into words, what comes is, “There is a Right Way to do Focusing, and you’re not doing it,” despite disclaimers throughout the book saying that Focusing does not stand alone and each form of therapy has its applications. In the chapter showing how to integrate Focusing with specific types of therapy, the author carefully states that there is nothing wrong with the examples as they stand, before adding Focusing to them.

Ann Weiser Cornell’s first two books emphasize equal partnership in Focusing and acknowledgement of the Focuser’s resilience and resources. That essential respect does not come through when she discusses Focusing in the unequal relationship between therapist and client.

At the same time, Focusing continues to be tremendously useful in my bodywork practice, and I picked up new phrases and understanding of “felt sense” from this book. “How does that whole issue feel now?” “Check in with your body about all of that.” I appreciated the client vignettes and information about types of therapy related to Focusing.

Available at bookshop.org.

“The Dark Side of the Light Chasers” by Debbie Ford

by 1 Comment

Subtitle: Reclaiming Your Power, Creativity, Brilliance, and Dreams

I first read this book at least 10 years ago and found it life-changing in both positive and negative ways. Yes, it’s useful to look within myself for qualities I struggle with in others. Yes, it’s useful to acknowledge that we include all qualities, both wanted and unwanted.

No, it’s not useful to believe that I can control others through that process. The author says, “We must choose interpretations that move our lives forward rather than leave us feeling alone and helpless.” Years ago, I read that as a command, as well as self-blame if I felt alone and helpless. Now I see the author’s avoidance of the qualities of aloneness and helplessness, as well as the effects of her privilege and wealth, insulating her from events she truly does not control.

This book contains a lot of practical information and exercises about projection. It’s worth reading with caution to see which ideas work for you. The point of acknowledging projection is to reduce internal pain and suffering, not add more because you don’t get the magical external results the author describes.

Available at bookshop.org.

“The Mood Cure” by Julia Ross

by Leave a Comment

Julia Ross theorizes that deficiencies in certain amino acids cause emotional symptoms, and taking supplements, as well as generally eating more protein, can quickly and completely resolve most mood problems.

The book is clearly and carefully written, with a lot of “if you experience this, try that” advice. It starts with a Mood-Type questionnaire, and continues with a chapter on each type and what helps.

  1. Under a dark cloud: low in antidepressant serotonin
      main solution: 5-HTP in the afternoon and evening

  2. Suffering from the blahs: low in stimulating catecholemines or thyroid
      main solution: L-tyrosine between meals

  3. Overwhelmed by stress: Low in tranquilizing GABA
      main solution: GABA when stressed

  4. Too sensitive to life’s pain: low in pain-killing endorphins
      main solution: DLPA, D- and L-phenylalanine

Julia Ross recommends a hearty serving of protein for each meal: 3 eggs, or 3-4 ounces of meat, or 1.5 cups of beans. Plus plenty of fats and vegetables. She says several times that weight-loss diets do damage, and has a section headed, “Eat Enough.” There is a section of Good-Mood menus and recipes.

There is far more information in this book than I can even summarize here. It seems worth reading it and trying some of the recommended supplements, although I doubt the results are as consistent and dramatic as claimed.

Available at bookshop.org.

“Taking the War Out of Our Words” by Sharon Ellison

by 2 Comments

Subtitle: The Art of Powerful Non-Defensive Communication

A decade ago, this book, and a one-day workshop on Powerful Non-Defensive Communication (PNDC), helped me get out of an abusive relationship. My copy disappeared, probably on loan to someone, and I just replaced it. This is an edited review I wrote for Survivorship back then.

This communication technique focuses on good boundaries, emphasizing that we can only control our own words and actions, not anyone else’s. On each re-reading, I notice different helpful details. The book is carefully and clearly organized, with section headings for each new idea, lots of example stories, and a review of key points at the end of each chapter.

Part I describes the “War Model,” Sharon Ellison’s name for the combative communication style we learn to call “normal” in our culture. Defensiveness is a natural outgrowth of war-like communication. Six defensive modes are described – the three main strategies of surrender, flight, and fight, with passive and active sub-strategies for each. The passive modes seek to protect oneself, while the active modes seek to damage the other person. The six modes are

  • Surrender-Betray (passive)
  • Surrender-Sabotage (active)
  • Withdraw-Escape (passive)
  • Withdraw-Entrap (active)
  • Counterattack-Justify (passive)
  • Counterattack-Blame (active).

Part II describes the three primary conversational tools of Powerful Non-Defensive Communication (PNDC): curious and innocent Questions, open and direct Statements, and protective and firm Predictions. Each tool is described in detail, with many suggested formats and examples.

Questions
Non-defensive questions are used to clarify assumptions, and to learn information about the other person’s position. They also ask the other person to stop and think. Sometimes a single neutral, gentle, curious question can shift years of negative interactions.

One example tells about a couple where the man repeatedly accused the woman of being late, even though she was generally ready on time and met her commitments. They had fought about this for years. One day, the woman asked, “Is it my pacing that leads you to think I’ll be late?” The man stopped, blinked, and said, “You know, you are usually on time.” She tended to get ready at the last minute, while he tended to prepare in advance, and this was the first time the man had noticed that she did regularly succeed in pulling it all together.

Statements
Non-defensive statements are vulnerable, direct, subjective, and descriptive. They include all relevant elements of one’s own experience, even when some of the elements are contradictory.

One example tells of a divorced woman who no longer wished to invite her ex-husband to Thanksgiving dinner, but continued to do so because he had a tendency to withhold her alimony check whenever there was a conflict. One year, she chose to state to him that she did not want to invite him, and that she had continued to invite him through fear of the consequences, and that she did not want her alimony check to be delayed. Much to her surprise, he did not show up for dinner, and the next alimony check was on time.

Predictions
Non-defensive predictions are protective, foretelling, neutral, definitive and double-sided. The intent is to communicate the consequences of both sides of a choice, rather than to coerce one side or the other. Two types of predictions are described in detail: Limit-Setting Predictions, which identify one’s own responses based on the other person’s choices, and Challenge-Choice predictions, which identify outside consequences to the other person’s choices.

An example of a limit-setting prediction is “If you are not ready when it is time to leave for the play, I will drive my own car, and you can join me later. If you are ready on time, we can drive together and enjoy each other’s company.”

An example of a challenge-choice prediction comes from the owner of a printing company, who found that customers often argued with him about color choices, and then blamed him when the results were poor. He started making the prediction, “If you use too many colors, then, based on my experience, this logo will be less crisp and you will not be satisfied with the outcome. If you use fewer colors, it will be more crisp, and I think you will be pleased.”

The section on predictions includes a detailed discussion about how to devise and implement predictions, including strategies for handling negative reactions from people unaccustomed to encountering clear boundaries.

Highly recommended if you want new tools to communicate well.

Available at bookshop.org.

“Making a World of Difference: Personal Leadership” by Barbara Schaetti, Sheila Ramsey, Gordon Watanabe

by Leave a Comment

Subtitle: A Methodology of Two Principles and Six Practices

Recommended to me by: a client

The goal of Personal Leadership is to improve intercultural relations in business and personal settings.

The two principles are mindfulness and creativity.

The six practices are:

  • attending to judgment
  • attending to emotion
  • attending to physical sensation
  • cultivating stillness
  • engaging ambiguity
  • aligning with vision

In a difficult situation, when we notice that “Something’s up!” a “Critical Moment Dialogue” can help apply the six practices and reach greater clarity about what action to take, if any. The goal is to respond mindfully and creatively to the unique situation rather than continuing on automatic pilot.

On one hand, a lot of what the authors describe aligns with what I practice and aspire to. On the other hand, the book leaves me feeling defensive. Even as it addresses complex multicultural situations, the assertion that we always create our (internal) reality seems too simplistic to me. The proposed techniques look powerfully effective, and at the same time they would be powerful fuel for an Inner Critic at the first hint of failure.

I have witnessed an abuser use similar principles to maintain control over a victim. “You create your reality, so if you’re upset, it’s just your stuff [rather than a valid response to abuse].” A book like this feels incomplete when the downsides of the proposed techniques are not addressed.

Available at bookshop.org.

“Blindspot” by Mahzarin Banaji and Anthony Greenwald

by 1 Comment

Subtitle: Hidden Biases of Good People

Recommended to me by: Patricia Nan Anderson

In clear, accessible language, this book debunks the notion that good people are free of biases. Starting with optical illusions and moving on to creating categories, the authors show that our brains automatically make assumptions about what we perceive based on past input.

We have hidden biases, also called mindbugs, that function like the blind spot in our retinas. We don’t perceive that we are not perceiving accurately.

Implicit associations can reveal some of our biases. You may be surprised, disappointed, or relieved by your results.

The first one, insects and flowers, usually demonstrates a powerful negative association with insects and positive association with flowers. Try the Insects and Flowers Implicit Association Test. I was surprised how much more difficult it was to sort the flowers with the negative words.

I was pleased to get a neutral result for the Race Implicit Association Test but much less happy to see a moderate association between Black people and weapons in the Race and Weapons Implicit Association Test.

I wasn’t happy with my result for the Gender and Career Implicit Association Test either. Relatedly, a 1% difference in the rate of promoting women and men can explain the steep attrition rates of women in technical fields.

More Implicit Association Tests.

Present-day discrimination often takes the form of not helping, rather than actively harming. A woman’s hand was badly cut up in an accident. In the ER, her husband said, “You have to help her, she’s an avid quilter!” The doctor was talking about “quickly stitching her up” until someone greeted her as a Yale professor, whereupon she was whisked off to receive complex hand surgery from an expert in the field. It’s hard to call people out on not helping enough.

There is some discussion of how to circumvent mindbugs and blindspots. Awareness helps. So does exposure to images and ideas that contradict the mindbugs. I think the long-term fix is to change the media, literary, and educational portrayals that continually reinforce discriminatory biases. Without explicitly saying so, the book makes a strong case for affirmative action.

In the appendices, the authors show careful scientific evidence for the effect of present-day racial discrimination, despite the fact that it is less accepted to be overtly prejudiced.

Highly recommended for anyone interested in a readable, in-depth look at social justice and how your brain works.

Available at bookshop.org.