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Curious, Healing

Curious, Healing

Books about healing, business, and fun

  • About Sonia Connolly

psychology

“Parenting, A Field Guide” by Dr. Patricia Nan Anderson

December 21, 2010 by Sonia Connolly Leave a Comment

Subtitle: 150 Key Ideas for Raising Successful, Well-Adjusted And Confident Kids

Recommended to me by: Patricia Anderson’s “I Need a Nudge” author coaching

I have benefited from Patricia Anderson’s you-can-do-it-and-here’s-how author coaching for a year now. I’ve been curious about her own book, which she got written and out to readers in 5 months.

The book starts out asking readers to articulate their own values around parenting, and reminds us to keep our eyes on the eventual goal: raising children who are “healthy, successful, likeable, loveable, well-adjusted, and capable.” Parts of the book continue this values-centered theme, and parts are more clearly based on the author’s individual values.

Each topic is addressed briefly in one or two pages, with a related exercise or additional information on the facing page. It’s meant to be read in short bursts, between child-related interruptions. A wide variety of topics are covered, from brain development to sex ed to siblings of a special-needs child.

I would have liked to see more emphasis on diversity. There was one two-page section on gay children, one two-page section on diversity and inclusiveness, and no mention of trans kids.

Overall, the book raises a lot of issues to consider around parenting, and reassures parents that they are not alone in tackling those issues.

Available at bookshop.org.

Filed Under: nonfiction Tagged With: psychology

“Not Trauma Alone” by Steven N. Gold

December 5, 2010 by Sonia Connolly 3 Comments

book cover
Subtitle: Therapy for Child Abuse Survivors in Family and Social Context

Recommended to me by: Dr. Kathleen Young

This is an academic book, written in precise psychological language, containing enough material for a semester course. Startlingly compassionate insights into complex trauma and prolonged childhood abuse (abbreviated PCA) are built into a treatment model that focuses on the family context rather than individual traumatic events. It is evidence-based, building the case for its treatment model with a thorough survey of existing research. This is a profoundly respectful book, well worth the effort of reading it.

Part 1
The first section distinguishes prolonged childhood abuse from single-incident adult trauma. An abused child in an “ineffective family” is focused on survival and misses out on learning skills for effective living, as well as missing the love needed to thrive.

A quote from a research paper:

“Some of the most painful stories I have heard – from survivors of even the most brutal and unremitting sexual abuse in childhood, as well as people who have had the good luck not to have been subjected to this kind of horror as children – had to do with other ways in which they were not heard, seen, respected, or loved….children who lived in a home that looked OK, with parents who seemed OK and had a life that appeared fine and even privileged, but who never felt special, never felt cherished, never in their whole lives ran in the door knowing someone was waiting there who thought they were the most wonderful precious child in the world.” [Rivera, 1996]

“People who grow up abused, neglected, disregarded and abandoned as children are as adults at extreme risk for continued invalidation and mistreatment by society at large.” This is not only because of individual missing skills, but because of a cascade of consequences making people more vulnerable to revictimization.

“Paradoxically, our society’s emphasis on self-reliance, coupled with the propagation of inequities based on gender, ethnic background, financial status, and other social classifications, converge to restrict the access of already deprived and maltreated individuals to resources that would help them attain effective self-sufficient functioning.”

“The overriding objective of this form of treatment is teaching clients adaptive living skills for moderating distress and enhancing daily functioning.”

Part 2
The second section describes forming a collaborative therapeutic alliance and is full of insights I haven’t seen elsewhere. People who were extensively abused as children expect disdain and abandonment. Many survivors interpret questions as commands, and comply with the therapist’s implicit expectations of them to avoid conflict. There is both intense longing for connection and extreme guardedness born of painful experience.

“What these clients need is to be treated not as helpless children, but as adults who by surviving extraordinarily adverse circumstances, have already demonstrated the potential to endure the stresses and challenges of daily living. […] Recognition, acceptance, and validation of survivors’ feelings, experiences, and longings is a helpful and essential aspect of treatment.”

“[R]emember that actions speak louder than words, and that subtle, guileless, spontaneous responses that implicitly communicate respect and regard for the personhood of the client speak the loudest of all.”

“[E]xploration of experience of child abuse in PCA survivors is most likely to be productive when it occurs under the initiation, direction, and guidance of the client. This material is highly charged, and strongly associated with a sense of helplessness and being controlled. It is usually best to leave it up to the client to determine whether and when to acknowledge and address it.”

The distinction is made between helping someone recover from a traumatic event and reconnect with existing skills and resources, and helping someone recover from a traumatic childhood where those skills and resources were never acquired, and need to be learned as an adult.

Part 3
The third part gives prioritized goals for the treatment process and strategies for how to achieve them. The collaborative therapeutic alliance is still the highest priority.

The first goal is the ability to manage and modulate distress. Anxiety-reduction methods are introduced, and a practice schedule is set up so that the client can practice the skills when they’re not immediately necessary. One technique is inviting the client to remember or create a safe place, and return there in imagination to reduce stress. Activity routines to interrupt depression are also proposed.

Dissociation is also addressed. Disconnection from the present moment is distinguished from internal fragmentation.

This goal is focused on adaptive functioning, rather than on exploring or reducing dissociation for its own sake. Grounding techniques are covered to anchor the client in the here-and-now.

While it is known that extreme trauma leads to dissociation, it may be that lack of attunement with family members may predispose a child to dissociation. “In this type of interpersonal context, where the attributions and appraisals of a child made by the people closest to her or him vary wildly, more or less independently of the behavior displayed, it is easy to imagine that the experience and perception of self would be similarly confused, mercurial, and disjointed.”

“[T]his approach encourages the practitioner to recognize the importance of being able to maintain a cohesive perception of the survivor despite the client’s own subjective experience of being fractured.” For the client, internal cooperation rather than integration is the goal.

The next goal is learning to exercise critical thinking and judgment. The capricious abusive environment may not have taught reasoning skills, and the survivor learns negative and detrimental beliefs, supported by adverse experiences.

“Familial relationships characterized by neglect and emotional detachment, domination, and criticism, and erratic and unpredictable behavior powerfully instill convictions in the survivor that she or he is unworthy and inept, and that others are malicious and unreliable.”

“Just as the unassertiveness and emotional dependency engendered by the family context renders a child more susceptible to abuse, the exacerbation of these characteristics by explicit abuse magnifies survivors’ risk of being abandoned, taken advantage of, and re-victimized.”

“The survivor ends up being blamed for what is actually the failure of the family and society to adequately equip her or him with the resources required for effective functioning as an adult. It is as if someone has tied the laces of child’s two shoes together, and then, when she or he inevitably trips and falls, berates her or him for being clumsy.”

It’s a good thing I don’t highlight books, or this one would glow yellow on every page. I wish every practitioner working with traumatized people would read and absorb this book. I would love to take a seminar from Steven Gold!

Available at bookshop.org

Filed Under: nonfiction Tagged With: childhood abuse, healing, psychology, trauma

“Why Are All the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria” by Beverly Daniel Tatum, Ph.D.

November 25, 2010 by Sonia Connolly Leave a Comment

Subtitle: And Other Conversations About Race

Recommended to me by: Kate Nepveu’s article How to Discuss Race and Racism Without Acting Like a Complete Jerk

Dr. Tatum, a research psychologist and current President of Spellman College, answers the title question compassionately and thoroughly, creating a framework to think and talk constructively about race. She alternates between explanations of academic psychology in clear layperson’s language, engaging personal anecdotes, and stories from her research and teaching experience.

The Black kids are sitting together because being singled out as the representative of one’s race is exhausting. Because they share an understanding of the frequent subtle racist behavior around them. Because they are supporting one another as they develop their internal racial identities.

Psychologist William Cross’ theory of racial identity development:

  • pre-encounter – racial identity unexamined and stereotypes absorbed unquestioned
  • encounter – events force examination of the personal impact of racism
  • immersion/emersion – focus on developing racial identity, socializing with people of the same race
  • internalization – sense of security about one’s racial identity
  • internalization/commitment -taking action in the world to interrupt racism

Dr. Tatum explains:

Sometimes I find it helpful to compare this process to learning another language. The best way to learn a second language is to travel to a place where it is spoken and experience complete immersion. Once you have achieved the level of proficiency you need, you can leave. If you worked hard to become conversant, you will of course take pride in your accomplishment and will not want to spend time with people who disparage your commitment to this endeavor.

Development of a racial identity for Whites, White guilt, and the role of White anti-racist allies are also addressed, as well as racial identiy development for Latinos, biracial people, and others.

Highly recommended for anyone who is frustrated and confused about racism and wants clear, positive, hopeful information.

Available at bookshop.org.

Filed Under: nonfiction Tagged With: anti-racism, communication, psychology

“Totally Tolerant” by Diane Webber and Laurie Mandel

October 31, 2010 by Sonia Connolly Leave a Comment

Subtitle: Spotting and stopping prejudice

A brief, photo-filled book with concrete advice for teens on embracing diversity and overcoming prejudice.  Adults can benefit from this book as well.

As you can see on the cover, the photos strongly support the book’s message, showing people of a variety of skin colors, genders, and ethnicities.

Diversity is defined as difference.  Tolerance is defined as “respect for everyone’s religion, gender, race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, and social class.”  Stories about students from different backgrounds illustrate positive and negative experiences with tolerance and the effects they had.

From the back cover: “Everyone should at least make an attempt to stop bigotry.  Otherwise, other people suffer because you don’t have the guts to stand up for what you believe in.”  — Kevin, 14.

I’m encouraged to see the clear, positive approach this book takes toward spotting and stopping prejudice.  It addresses bullying as well.  I wish every teen (and every adult) would read and absorb its wisdom.

Available at biblio.com.

Filed Under: nonfiction Tagged With: anti-racism, communication, disability, illustrated, lgbt, psychology

“The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion” by Christopher K. Germer, PhD

July 26, 2010 by Sonia Connolly 1 Comment

Subtitle: Freeing Yourself from Destructive Thoughts and Emotions.

This “un-self-help” book by a clinical psychologist shows how to stop fighting uncomfortable emotions and accept them with self-compassion instead. Step by step, Germer shows how to be kind to ourselves, listen to our bodies, and bring in difficult emotions.

I liked his analysis of the stages of acceptance (as distinct from the stages of grief):

Stages of Acceptance:

  1. Aversion – resistance, avoidance, rumination
  2. Curiosity – turning toward discomfort with interest
  3. Tolerance – safely enduring
  4. Allowing – letting feelings come and go
  5. Friendship – embracing, seeing hidden value

He carefully notes pitfalls along the path for trauma survivors. For example, it can be triggering to focus on the breath during meditation, so an external focus such as holding a stone or watching a candle could be more calming.

I was pleasantly surprised by his awareness of diversity and discrimination. Even a few mentions of those issues go a long way toward fostering my trust of a white male author as I read. For example, his stories contain some same-sex couples. On the subject of medication, he advocates deciding what’s most kind for yourself.

The second half of the book describes metta or loving-kindness meditation. Phrases like “May I be safe. May I be happy. May I be healthy. May I live with ease.” are directed first toward the self, then toward a loved one, then toward someone neutral, then to a difficult person or enemy.

He describes the backdraft which can occur with this meditation, a rush of feelings similar to the rush of flame from opening a door on a fire.

I had a hard time staying with this part of the book. Perhaps it was from a backdraft of feelings. Perhaps it was my reaction to the instructional tone. I’m having a strong response to being told what to think or how to feel lately, even when I’m reading a self-help book.

Overall, I recommend this book. It has much less fixing and more compassion than most self-help books. It’s a delight to see a psychologist advocating self-kindness and acceptance as a way toward healing.

Available at bookshop.org.

Filed Under: nonfiction Tagged With: psychology, spirituality

“Riding Between the Worlds” by Linda Kohanov

July 23, 2010 by Sonia Connolly 1 Comment

My response to The Tao of Equus doesn’t begin to express the impact it had on me. I immediately looked for Kohanov’s next book.

Riding Between the Worlds contains less abstract theory and more stories from clients and from her own life. It also contains a helpful adaptation of Karla McLaren’s work with emotions into an Emotional Message Chart.

For example:

Emotion Message Questions to Ask Intensification
Anger Proper boundaries should be maintained or rebuilt.

Incongruence.

What must be protected?

What must be restored

What is the emotion behind the mask, and is it directed toward me?

Rage, fury (exploding at those who’ve violated our boundaries)

Shame, guilt (anger toward self when we’ve violated others’ boundaries)

Boredom, apathy (masks anger that can’t be dealt with – a nonviolent coping strategy

Kohanov validates my experiences with transmission of emotions from one person to another, describing the many ways that happens with both people and horses in her practice.

She also talks extensively about congruence and how important it is to both horses and sensitive humans. Incongruence, a mismatch between what someone is feeling and expressing, can cause trouble both for the incongruent person who is suppressing feelings, and the beings around them who may be the target of deception or explosive release.

Kohanov also presents her hard-won list of skills for building community:

  1. Using emotion as information.
  2. Sitting in uncomfortable emotions without panicking.
  3. Sensing and flowing with the emotions of others, again without panicking.
  4. Reading “misbehavior” as a form of communication.
  5. Understanding the dynamics of shared emotion: distinguishing between instructive personal feelings, conditioned (False Self) emotional patterns, affect contagion, empathy, ambience, and emotional resonance.
  6. Resisting the temptation to aggressively “fix” people, horses, uncomfortable situations, etc.
  7. Creating a psychological container of support, what Kathleen Ingram calls “holding the sacred space of possibility.” This fully engaged form of patience is crucial to tapping innovative solutions that arise from the eighth ability:
  8. Activating the Authentic Self.

The only sour note in the book occurs when she creates a false sense of suspense by telling half a story and then inserts 30 pages of other material before returning to the story.

Highly recommended for anyone who believes they are too sensitive or too emotional.

Available at bookshop.org.

Filed Under: nonfiction Tagged With: healing, memoir, psychology, spirituality

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